


The Great Escape

by Kriegsandharris



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:19:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6734017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kriegsandharris/pseuds/Kriegsandharris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would life have been like if Ashlyn hadn't ended up on the national team? If Ali didn't have Ashlyn to lean on? What would have happened when the waves kept on crashing with no end in sight?</p><p>AU set after Rio and in which Ashlyn stopped playing after college.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Beginnings

On an uneven pitch set just above the cool waves and white sand of eastern Florida, the rest of my life began. It was 4:30 on a relatively cool day, thick clouds looming above the less than ideal field that I would begin my coaching career on. I didn’t mind the field, it was just that in my head I pictured myself coaching at the plex, so it was a bit… different. I had decided just an hour earlier to wear my cleats, and began to wonder if it would seem just a little bit dumb to be wearing my boots as I coached a bunch of first graders. But in my defense, it seemed weird to be on the pitch without them.

As I breathed in the humid salt-water air of Florida, I was suddenly reminded me of just how different my life was going to be. It seemed that ever since I had stepped off of the podium in Brazil, my silver medal hitting the side of my leg as I held the ribbon loosely in my hand, life was never quite the same. That rainy, cold day, though months ago now, had seemed like it was the precedent for the rest of my life. I was too ashamed to wear that medal—it seemed a bit like a bad omen. It represented failure and unhappy endings. I remember walking over to the stands, hiding my teary face with my hands, and my brother having to pry my arms apart in order to give me a gentle kiss on my forehead. I handed over my medal in shame, and shakily told him to take it away. He nodded in understanding, and quietly pocketed it, for me to never look at again.

As I walked over to the goal closest to the beach, I noticed how bad the netting was. _Damn_ , I thought. _I should have stayed in the suburbs of D.C. where they could at least afford some decent fields_. I did my best to drape the netting back over the PVC pipes to no avail. As soon as I was done trying to fix up the goals, I turned around to see two girls already walking towards the field. Well shit, here goes nothing.

“Hi girls!” I said in the most cheerful voice I could muster through my self doubt. “Are you here for the Lightning?” _No shit Ali, they’re here for the Lightning._

They both nodded silently, slightly nervous smiles on their faces. “Cool! Well I’m Coach Ali, it’s so nice to meet you! What are your names?”

The taller of the two spoke up first. “I’m Brayden,” she said, her long, dark brown hair up in a messy ponytail. “And this is Leia.” Leia quietly nodded. She was tiny, even for her young age.

“I didn’t know you were going to be our coach. I think I watched you on TV last summer, you were my favorite defender,” Leia added in a small voice, her hazel eyes lighting up.

“Oh my goodness, seriously? That means so much, but between me and you, I think Becky was the best of the defenders,” I said with a pang, remembering the final—the one time Becky wasn’t able to come to my rescue.

Leia smiled a bit. “She’s really good too—but wait, why are you in Florida? Don’t you have to play with your team?”

That one hurt too. It had taken a lot out of me to retire. I was getting older, and the head injuries had just kept coming. After being knocked out cold during the final Spirit game before the Olympics camp, I had decided that this tournament would be my last run. Our failure—or my failure, rather—just made it that much harder. After the Olympics, I had gone home to finish the NWSL season with the Spirit, and then I quietly disappeared into retirement, deciding to move to Florida to be closer to my mom. The naivety of the young blonde girl was so clear in that moment as she continued to look up at me with questioning eyes.

I kneeled down to get on their level as I formulated my reply. “I’m actually done playing. I decided that I wanted to be close to my mom who lives here, and I’m super excited to be a coach now! My mom played soccer, so I think it’s pretty cool that I get to pass it on to other kids now too.”

Note: not my kids. I didn’t think kids would ever be in the stars for me. But other kids would suffice.

“Oh, my mom played soccer too,” Leia said, a hint of pride in her voice.

“Wow, that’s awesome! She must be so excited that you’re playing!”

Leia gave me a look that I didn’t know how to respond to at that point, so I just awkwardly brushed it off as I looked between her and Brayden. The look was a mixture of confusion and disappointment, so I decided not to push it any further.

“My mom doesn’t really like soccer,” Leia added. She must have been able to read my face.

“Oh, well that’s okay... It looks like the other girls are getting here, why don’t you start warming up?”

And with a long exhale, the coaching began.


	2. Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Trigger Warning - nothing actually happens, just a brief mention in passing by.

Waves. They just keep coming, in their infinite, blue glory. They can be beautiful—that moment when Leia first entered this world on a hot July night in the back of my old, black Jeep. I had always joked that my life wasn’t god's will, but rather Leia’s. There were waves in her deep blue of her eyes that later turned into a golden hazel, the way she laughed at my stupid jokes. 

But at the same time, waves can be treacherous. The night I stood on that bridge over the crashing water, praying to a god I didn’t believe in to give me the strength to just jump and have it be all over with—the night that a wave finally had the strength to pull me under. The waves of smoke that followed after a long night of getting lost in my own thoughts and demons. The waves the reverberated throughout my body as I cried and screamed to myself to the point of passing out. Those are the waves that terrify me. 

The thing about waves though, is that they always come back. They return. But it always seemed like no one came back for me. The friends I had that disappeared as quickly as Leia came. My parents and brother, who were too far deep in their own oceans to remember who I even was. Leia was the only wave that always came back for me.

Leia wasn’t part of my plan. My plan was to finish college—I was a year behind after my relapse, but determined to get my diploma—to play soccer professionally, to find myself someone who I could buy a white-picket fence house with, and fill it with kids whose parents could afford to provide them with a comfortable childhood. But one drunk night in college changed that plan forever. 

Being a single mom to a 6 year old at age 30 was certainly not the plan. Being poor beyond belief, struggling with an addiction that I had to do my best to hide from Leia—SO not the plan. 

But it was all I had. And plans change. 

“Yeah, honey. J’s coming soon! Just let me finish this and then I’ll show you, okay?” I turned back to my sketch book as Leia continued to rant about how excited she was to be a goalkeeper, just like I was.

Since college, I had done my best to push soccer to the back of my mind. To me, it was a symbol of empty promises and a total loss of hope. Back then, soccer was my past, my present, my future—it was my everything. Soccer got me through my upbringing, so I had always figured that it would get me through anything. So when I had to stop, when I had to put everything on hold to have a child that I didn’t ask for, I did my best to forget it. To me, it kind of represented putting my past behind me and starting over. 

Until Leia found the picture. 

It was a picture of me, circa 1992, of me in my obnoxiously colorful keeper jersey next to a trophy my small club team had just won in a tournament. “Mommy,” Leia had said, a curiosity in her voice, “you looked just like me! ‘Cept your hair was a different color.” It was true. Me and Leia shared our broad foreheads, our high cheekbones, our hazel eyes. Miraculously, she even had my platinum blonde hair—although hers was natural unlike mine, however much I hated to admit it. “What was the trophy for?”

“Soccer, honey,” I said quietly, hoping that she wouldn’t ask too many more questions. 

“I love soccer! We watched it during vacation with Aunt Whit and Ryan.” Of course Whitney had been the one to get her hooked, I shouldn’t have expected anything different of my best friend. Leia hadn’t known that her “vacation” with Whit was actually me shoving her in Whit’s arms during my summer breakdown, but as far as she knew it was a fun two weeks with her favorite Aunt full of TV and surfing, two things that I hadn’t been able to afford for her in quite awhile. 

“Really?” I questioned. “I played Goalie.”

 

“It’s not ‘goalie’ mom, it’s keeper,” Leia quickly replied with a slight eye roll. Whit taught her well. “But that’s so cool! I didn’t know you played soccer.” She wasn’t going to let it go, and I knew it. I was just waiting for it at that point.

“Can I play? Like, do you think I could do it?” I sighed, trying to quickly come up with a diversion, but I couldn’t.

“Yeah, I actually used to play at a club right up the street when I was your age, but I think they’re gone,” I said, hoping that my tiny club hadn’t survived in the 12 years since I had left it. 

“Lightning?” I heard from the kitchen. Jamie. Fuck. “Ash, I just signed Brayden up, I could totally drive Le if she wants to do it!” Jamie’s voice boomed through the small apartment, and I did my best to plaster a fake smile on my face as I turned back to find Leia’s face totally lit up. In that moment I hated myself for ever giving him the key to my apartment. 

“Mommy, can I do it? J said he can take me!” 

“Maybe, we’ll have to see. You know J is always full of crazy ideas,” I replied somewhat loudly, hoping Jamie could hear me through the thin apartment walls. “Why don’t you stay in here while I go talk to J, okay?” Leia sweetly nodded her head and I went out to find (and maybe kill) Jamie. 

“Really? Nice Ash! Glad to see you’re at least smoking some nice smelling lavender cigs!” Jamie said with a sarcastic smile on his face as he held the small box out of my reach. Jamie was tall, scrawny, and annoying as hell sometimes. But his soft blue eyes always got the best of me, even when he was acting like a total older brother.

“Oh shut the fuck up!” I loudly whispered as I jumped to snatch the box out of his hands. “Would you rather me be smoking something else, J?” He held his hands up in surrender. 

“I just thought you had quit, that's all.” 

“I did thank you very much. These are from awhile ago,” I half lied to him. 

Jamie was an interesting friend. He was a kind of celebrity within the town. He ran an organization called “To Write Love on Her Arms,” which initiated a whole movie and everything. He had been my saving grace in my darkest days, and we had ended up being best friends ever since. He had made me promise to not do anything stupid late one night a few years prior, and that's when I handed him the key to my apartment. I hadn’t meant for it to be an open invitation to my dwelling, but that's what he had turned it into. His daughter, Brayden, had quickly befriended Leia, and they became instantly inseparable. 

“Whatever,” he said, dismissing the cigarettes. “But why can’t Leia play?”

“You know damn well why Leia can’t play,” I replied, looking towards the floor. 

“No, not really. I do know damn well why YOU don’t want Leia to play.” As I looked up to his eyes, he quirked his eyebrow in question. I rolled my eyes and sighed. 

“J, I’m not ready to venture down that path. To see her… I don’t know… doing what I couldn’t?” Fuck, I’m so damn selfish sometimes. 

Jamie scoffed. “That is the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard Ash.”

“I’m trying Jamie. I really am. I just- I’m not stable right now J. In any sense. And bringing that damn game back into my life, into HER life, it’s just… it’s not a good idea.”

Jamie rolled his eyes back at me and put the meal he had brought over in the mini fridge. “When you realize how selfish you’re being, give me a call, okay Ash?” He hugged me goodbye, and then he was gone. 

I ended up calling him 17 minutes later that day.

“Are you finished yet Mommy?” I looked up from my sketch to see Leia holding up her gear.

“Yeah, sorry Le. Okay, so these are shin guards, I’m super glad to see J found the girliest ones he could…” I helped Leia get ready for her first practice, telling her about some of the superstitions I had when I played, like always doing right before left and tying my laces a special way. 

Jamie and his wife had agreed to take Leia to all of her games and practices, and I thanked them profusely. Not only was it nice to not have to see the field I grew up playing on, it also meant that I had a bit of time to myself to work on sketches and let loose without having Leia over my shoulder.

So when Jamie picked Leia up for her first practice, I had mixed emotions about it. I was so excited for her, but terrified of the memories the game would bring back to me. As the door shut, I gave out a long exhale as a new chapter of our lives began.


	3. Hard Knocks

Five minutes. I had five minutes to not fuck up before we would have won. I was on such a high—we were up by one against Brazil, in the 86th minute. It was rainy and cold, but the fact that half of the crowd was green and yellow and half was red white and blue could have made up for all of the terrible weather in the world. 

“Ali, ALI,” I could hear Julie yelling at me as a Brazil forward made a break away. My lungs were on fire as I tore across the turf, step for step against her. By that point my hair had fell out of my bun, and it was flying behind me as I raced to save us. Hope was off her line, and I could hear her telling us what to do even through the noisy crowd. “ALI, YOU’VE GOT HER.” I slid to clear the ball to safety, and that's where our end began. 

“Own goal. Alexandra Krieger.”

In penalties, Christen made her shot. But that was it. Then we were done. 

I don’t remember much after that. I remember the pounding of the medal on my leg. I remember immediately gravitating to Kyle, and crying into his shoulder as I handed him my medal. I remember contemplating not retiring, contemplating doing another cycle just so I could get my gold. 

I remember my neurologist telling me that was a stupid idea.

It was April of 2015 when I first experienced being knocked out cold. We were in Houston for a game against the Dash. I felt strong and prepared as we went into one of the first games of the season. In the first half, a cross came into the box, and I went up with a forward and one of my own teammates. The next thing I recalled was being surrounded by strangers. Ella and Carli had come to check on me, but I think they were too disturbed to really stick around. I laid on the field, completely surrendering to the pain and darkness in my head. I was so scared. Not in a “wow I don’t know what’s going on” kind of way, but in a sick to my stomach, “I feel so alone” kind of way. I wanted a hand to grab. Just something to keep me lucid. Anything would have helped. Play had continued after I went down for a few seconds—I guess no one saw me—and I was so overcome with fear that someone would step on me while I was still out and temporarily paralyzed. I don’t know, it was just this overwhelming feeling needing someone who wasn’t there. 

And then it was in Orlando last summer when it happened again. I remember my mom telling me how scared she was, how ugly it looked. I didn’t feel as alone that time, I knew what was going on through previous experience. But that night I got a stern talking to about wearing my protective headband (I still hate that damn headband). 

It took me a long time to recover from the second hit. I got back just in time for the Games, but it was a painful, tear filled road back. “Get a third, and you can expect to start seeing some serious damage,” I remember my neurologist telling me. He had gently put his hand on my knee, and looked me in the eye. “I think it might to time to start thinking about putting soccer aside.”

In that moment I laughed and shook my head, but in the darkness of my own room, I decided to retire that night. I didn’t announce it or anything, but it just seemed right. At the time, I thought we were easily going to win gold, and that I could just end my career on a high. 

I was so damn wrong. 

But I followed through with it, and moved into a small but nice two bedroom apartment close to my mom’s in January. I got a job marketing the Orlando Pride, and after my mom’s relentless encouragement, I agreed to coach a local recreational team under a Satellite Beach Club organization. 

Life was comfortable. Maybe not necessarily good, but comfortable. 

My phone rang, and I grudgingly got up from my couch to answer it. It was Heather, my best friend from the national team calling. I was slightly pissed that she didn’t keep in touch more, but to be fair, I guess I didn’t give any effort either. 

I answered the facetime call, propping my phone up on the counter of my kitchen. “Hey you! Woah, really glad to see you got around to decorating, Al,” she said, with a hint of concern in her voice. “Have you been that busy?”

“No,” I answered with a sigh as I flopped back down on my couch, the sole piece of furniture in my standard white living room. “Just completely and utterly unmotivated.”

“Al...” Heather started in a sympathetic voice.

“No, no, I’m fine! It's just… this is a lot. This whole transition is a lot, I mean.”

“I know Al. But it’s going to be great, you just have cold feet. Have you started coaching yet?”

“Yeah, actually we had our first practice yesterday.” I smiled thinking about how much I already loved working with the girls. They had been so attentive, hanging on to my every word. I didn’t think that I’d like coaching kids that much. “It went really well HAO, I even have a kid totally willing to be a keeper, believe it or not,” I chuckled. The little girl Leia had been so determined to be in goal. 

“Oh man, that kids a keeper then. Wait. Like, a keeper as in you should keep her around. Oh my god, why can’t I ever stop with the puns?” I laughed at Heather through the phone. She always somehow managed to make puns when she didn’t even mean to, and in that moment I realized just how much I missed my friend. 

We talked for a few hours about anything and everything as I made my schedule for the upcoming week. Heather had a few months off before going back into training, and was discussing her vacation plans with Dave. I told her about my new job, and how different it was being on the other side of the league, especially during draft time. 

As it started getting dark, she had to go. “I love you Ali. Seriously. I know it’s a little lonely down there right now, but if you ever need anything, just call me. Right side-”

“Strong side,” I finished, smiling as I picked my phone back up. She was such a dork, but she was a dork that meant the world to me. “Bye!” 

I plugged my phone into the wall and went back over to the couch with my planner in hand. I mapped out when I was meeting up with my mom, when I was coaching, and when I had work for the week. I sighed when I was finished, the new reality of my life really sinking in. 

This was it, and I was certain. The next forty years of my life would be filled with nothing but planning and monotony, week after week. 

I fell asleep on the couch in tears that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos! Comments would be super super appreciated :)


	4. Tiny Kickass

After Leia left for practice, I headed for the shop. I grabbed my sketchbook and long board, and took the one-mile ride down the street to meet up with Jenna to discuss the upcoming week.

Jenna was my boss, but she filled so many roles in my life. She was a friend, a therapist (mostly because I refused to see an actual one), and most importantly, a sort of motherly figure for me. Sure, she was only twelve years older than me, but she was truly wise beyond her years.

“Hey Ash, how was your day?” She asked as she got up to give me a side hug, her dark brown-red hair tossed over her shoulder, her blue ray ban glasses falling down her nose a little bit. “Today is Le’s first practice, right?”

“It was alright, and yeah, it is,” I said, trying to muster a smile at the thought of my daughter falling in love with the same sport that I did.

“Well, that’s… exciting, right? You’ve got to be excited for her Ash.”

I nodded. “Yeah I am. It’s just-”

“I know Ash. I know,” she said reassuringly as her huge green eyes looked up at mine. She patted my hand as we sat down at the table in the front.

“So what do you got?”

I pulled out my sketchbook, opening up to the sketch I had just finished. It was a detailed flower that someone had requested, and I ended up making a few different versions of it. Art was my therapy, so it was never really a chore to draw up something that Jenna asked me to.

“Yeah, those look awesome Ash! Nice, so you’ve got that on Wednesday, and then you can come in whenever else you want this week to just do some generic stuff. Is that good with you?”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” I smiled. Jenna was a lifesaver. She understood me. She understood that depression was more than just being a little under-the-weather, so she let me work mostly from home, designing tattoos for her to pick up. She let me come in during the week when I was up for it to earn a little bit extra. Working from home was a blessing, because it meant that during the worst bouts of my depression I didn’t have to deal with leaving the apartment, and that I got to stay home with Leia as she grew up. God, I didn’t want her to grow up. But she was always so proud to tell people that I was an artist, and that I got to spend my days drawing beautiful things for people to keep forever. And it didn’t hurt that it paid pretty well. Between social security and the check I was making from the shop, it was enough to get by.

Not enough to pay for the anti-depressants that I refused to get refills for (and which Jamie continued to hound me about), but it was enough. I figured that if I just laid low there wouldn’t be any need for them.

I had started taking anti-depressants in high school when my coach, of all people, had noticed how bad my grades were dropping and how quiet I had suddenly become. “It’s just senioritis,” I remember telling him. “And you know how much shit I have going on at home.” For a while he believed it, and just told me to call him if I needed anything. But after weeks of seeing me crying in my car after practice for no reason, and after seeing that I had failed a few of my classes, he dragged me to a psychiatrist.

“You are not giving up that scholarship over something you can help, right? North Carolina is waiting for you Ash! You’re the best goalkeeper in the world! This is just something that will help you get there.” I never did thank him for bringing me (which I really regret now).

On Sunday, Leia and I headed to 9am mass. We went to a small Catholic Church right on the shore. I didn’t really believe in a god, but was raised in that very Church myself. I had found comfort, especially when I was younger, in the Church and it’s teachings, so as soon as Leia was born we started going to 9am mass every Sunday at Our Lady of the Seas. It was our thing, to sit in the second pew to the right of the altar, and then go to breakfast at our favorite cafe afterward. I think the pastor thought it was a bit weird that after attending the parish for six years I still didn’t get communion, but we went for Leia’s benefit, not mine.

At breakfast that morning, Leia brought up soccer first. “Soccer was really fun yesterday.”

“Was it?” I asked, genuinely trying to sound interested. “How was your coach? Are they nice?”

“Super nice,” Leia replied after taking a bite of pancake. “She was on the team that me and Aunt Whit watched last summer, I think her name is Alison or something.”

“Oh wow, well she must be really good then!”

“Yeah,” Leia said, and then dropped the subject. “Mommy, why don’t you ever get breakfast anymore?”

“Oh, I’m just not that hungry,” I lied. The truth was that I had to save every penny I possibly could to keep the two of us afloat, but she didn’t need to know that. “I have my oatmeal at home, remember?”

“Oh right, I don’t even know why you like it so much!” Leia said with a fake look of disgust on her face. _I don’t know why either._

“It must be an old people thing,” I said with a bit of a laugh, hoping that she’d buy it.

“But you’re not old, Mommy. You’re like, super young! All of my friends moms are old- but you don’t look like them!”

I didn’t know how to reply to that one. The truth was that I _was_ a good 10 years younger than most of her friends parents. “Well thank you sweetheart, it must be that fountain of youth running through our kitchen,” I said with an exaggerated, child-like smile. Her eyes squinted back at me as she laughed that day-changing laugh.

“But seriously, you’re super young Mommy. And you know what else?”

“What honey?” I said, taking a sip of water.

“All my other friends have dad’s.” I almost choked. She had never, NEVER brought up having a dad, or how babies were made, or anything like that. I had told her a few years prior that I asked God for a best friend, and in return, He gave me her. She always just accepted the fact that she was mine and no one else’s.

“But I’m happy I don’t, because I hate boys,” she finished. I breathed a sigh of relief and felt the color return to my face. I genuinely laughed for what felt like the first time in days.

“Me too girlfriend,” I said, reaching my hand out for a high-five across the table of the cafe. She sat up slightly and reached to slap my hand.

As she sat back down in her seat, I realized just how big she had gotten. How long and thick her blonde waves had become, and how her face had suddenly become much less babyish. She was still really tiny—after all, she was only born a whole 3 and a half pounds.

3 and a half terrifying pounds.

_“Whit, I can’t do this anymore,” I said in the back of my Jeep, clutching my stomach as I rocked in fetal position. Whit looked more terrified than I did in that moment, caught wondering if she should leave me to go find a person or a phone at 2:30 in the morning. Of course, both our phones would be dead, and of course the jeep would run out of gas halfway to the UNC hospital._

_I had been visiting Whit for the weekend just before she was set to go back for her first year of graduate school. She had just gotten in, and I was so excited for her. I was six months pregnant, and figured that nothing too crazy could happen in those 3 days. So being young and stupid, I drove my jeep all the way back up to UNC just to visit with her and a few of my other teammates. I figured it would be a good way to take my mind off things._

_But on Saturday of that weekend, I knew something wasn’t right. I had chest pain all day, and just didn’t feel like myself. “I’m going to go lay down,” I had told Whit as I went to go relax on her bed that she had so nicely let me share after realizing that I was too huge to fit on the small couch she had. She had offered to sleep on the couch herself, but I knew from experience that sleeping on a couch after an ACL tear was no fun, and refused to let her._

_I ended up falling asleep, and heard her come into the room around 10 that night. “You all good Ash?”_

_“I think so. This kid is just driving me nuts is all!” I said in an exaggerated voice as I looked down towards my bump. “Love you, mean it, but you’ve got to stop kicking me!”_

_Whit laughed as she turned around to turn off her lamp. “All right, night Ash, and goodnight my future baller!” she said as she placed her hand on my stomach. “Love you guys.”_

_And for a few hours, I tried to convince myself that everything was just fine, and that this was just a normal part of pregnancy._

_Until she stopped moving. Until I felt all of the blood that was covering the sheets._

_“Whit,” I said shaking her, afraid to move. “WHIT!”_

_“What Ash?” she replied sleepily, moving to turn on the lamp. As soon as she turned back around, her face went pale. By that point I felt like there was more blood on the sheets than there was left in my body, and the tears were rolling out of my eyes as I shook in fear._

_Looking back, I have no clue why we didn’t stay put and call an ambulance. I guess adrenaline does crazy things. Whit grabbed me bridal style along with our phones and keys and walked all the way out to my jeep. She put me in the back, carefully buckling me in before running to the front. “Okay, we’re 10 minutes away from the ER Ash, you’ve just got to hold in there, try to stay calm,” she told me as sobs continued to escape my lungs. It hurt so damn bad. I just wanted it to be over._

_“Shit,” I could quietly escape Whit’s lips. “I think we’re out of gas, Ash.”_

_I swear I could have killed her in that moment._

_“And the phones are dead.”_

_And then I knew I could have killed her._

_I just continued to scream for a while, as she frantically tried to simultaneously calm me down while trying to find a way to get help. I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse—until I could feel her head pushing down right between my hips, initiating a nearly unbearable pressure. “Whit,” I started, a terrified look in my eye, “she’s coming.”_

_“Oh my god, Ash, I don’t know how—I don’t remember anything, those classes were years ago.” I had just been reminded that Whit did do EMS and all of the training throughout college. She had to have some come clue. I remember squeezing her hand way harder than she deserved as she sat with my head in her lap in the back seat. She ran her fingers through my tangled hair as she tried to come up with a plan._

_“Well you’re going to have to remember in about 10 minutes.”_

_She nodded her head and visibly exhaled as she tried to convince herself that she could do it. “Alright, we’ve got this.”_

_And before I knew it, I was turned around in the trunk. Whit had put the back seats down, and I was comfortably (well, as comfortably as I could be) lying down. She had me ditch my outerwear, telling me that we were going to need all the fabric we could as she took off her own loose tee-shirt, leaving her in a sports bra and a pair of Nike shorts._

_With a lot of blood, tears, screaming, and pain behind us, Leia Whitney Harris entered the world on July 28_ _th_ _2009 at 3:12 am. It might have bit a bit later, my clock was always running a bit late, but 3:12 is what went down on her birth certificate after we were finally able to flag down a car. The driver turned out to be a young nurse, who immediately called an ambulance. She told a crying Whitney that she had done everything right, that she did the best thing she possibility could for me. I let her look at little Leia, and she told me that while she definitely was premature, that she was as healthy as she could be._

_My Leia was a fighter. She stayed in the hospital for 7 weeks (I stayed for 2, to recover from the blood loss), and I had to temporarily move in with Whitney. I got a temp job at a local restaurant, and was able to make enough to keep myself sustained and buy a car seat and basic necessities for Leia._

_And god, she was beautiful. Her muddy blue eyes surrounded by light blonde lashes, the small tufts of white hair on top of her head—it was hard not to instantly fall in love with her. A few weeks later Whitney would joke that she was born a beach baby, her skin already a shade of tan from the lights she was under. Even as she got older, she continued to tan easily—just like me._

“Mom?” Leia said in her tiny voice, snapping me back to reality. “Are you okay?”

I smiled at her. “Yeah, just thinking about how big you’re getting!” I said, poking her in the ribs as we walked out of the café.

“I’m not big Mommy, I’m tiny and kickass.” I gulped down a laugh as I tried to act serious. I called her my tiny kickass all the time; I just never realized that she had picked up on it.

“Maybe let’s not say ‘kickass’ Le. It’s not a nice word. Maybe tiny and fierce?” I asked, waiting for her approval.

“Tiny and fierce. I think kickass sounds better though.” She looked up at me, her eyes squinting in the sun. I couldn’t hold back my laughter as I handed Leia her helmet and board.

My tiny kickass was becoming more and more like me with every passing day.

That 3 and a half-pound girl still terrified me.


	5. My Closet

A few weeks later, and I was finally getting into a routine. Work was from 8-4 on weekdays, 10-2 on Saturdays, and soccer was on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays from 5-8. The days were a little bit longer in Florida, which I appreciated. The bright orange sunsets somehow brought a little bit of life back to me. My apartment was still a blank white much to HAO’s disappointment every time we facetimed, usually on Thursdays when she had the night off.

“Alexandra, I’m starting to get more and more concerned by the minute. Your apartments in Germany and D.C. looked like they were straight off of HGTV,” she said somewhat sarcastically.

I bit my tongue, really trying my best not to get annoyed with her. “I know, I just haven’t had the time, I’m busy, you know?” I was kind of lying. I had plenty of time, but most of that time was spent selfishly mourning my career, or spent thinking about how to get a new start.

Heather rolled her eyes, obviously not falling for my half-truths. “You need to make some friends and DECORATE YOUR DAMN APARTMENT Ali! If you don’t, I’m getting on the next flight to Orlando to kick your ass myself.” I laughed at her, but her face remained stoic. “I’m not kidding, Al.”

“Oh my god, I’m going out tomorrow. Happy?” I asked, trying to satisfy her. She didn’t have to know that I was going with my mom to find a dress for the fancy company dinner I was attending.

“Sure… as long as it’s not with Deb!”

“Fuck,” I quietly mouthed to myself out of view from the camera. “I’m not! I promise, I’m making friends okay?”

She finally dropped the subject, and went back to talking about training and Dave, and everything that she had that I didn’t. I wasn’t jealous of her, per se, she was my best friend after all, but hearing her talk about the things that I could only dream of having was definitely was starting to wear on me. I felt like I had no clue what I was doing with my life while all of my friends were just starting theirs all across the country.

The next day, I met up with my mom at a mall in the middle of Orlando to find a dress. I had considered wearing the red dress I had worn to the ESPY’s the summer of the World Cup, but that dress was a pain. I remember feeling particularly lonely wearing that dress that night, as most of the girls had dates with them to celebrate our big win. Hope had Jerramy, Sydney had Dom, Christie had Chris, Becky had Zola, Kelley had Ann, Heather had Dave, Megan had Sera—the list went on and on. I had continuously stepped on my flowy red dress, and wished I had someone to pick it up for me. I remember Heather having to come to my rescue several times that night, picking up my train before I fell flat on my face.

In the mall, my mom immediately found a few dresses she liked, while I sulked through the aisles, half heartedly looking at dresses that caught my eye.

“Ali, honey. Are you okay?”

  
“Mm,” I responded. “Just a little tired.”

She nodded her head in a way that let me know she knew I was lying, but decided to not question me any further before turning back to look at the walls of dresses.

In the dressing room, she handed me the dresses, and let me try on whatever I liked best. Normally I would have loved looking at dresses, I absolutely adored fashion, although my soccer body didn’t leave many options for me. There was a two piece lace white maxi that I really liked, and another sapphire colored aline dress that looked nice. I tried on the sapphire one first, and it looked alright, but didn’t really “pop” on my skin, as my mom put it.

She loved the white though. “Oh my goodness Alexandra, you are going to be such a beautiful bride one day—that is, if you ever find yourself a man,” she chuckled to herself.

If only she knew how much that one hurt.

_It was January 3rd of my senior year. The day I told Brent it was over. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself for wasting two years of that guy's life. He was an amazing friend. He had saved my life (literally) after I had broken my leg, and he provided me with the most amazing encouragement as I rehabbed to get back on the field. He was funny and charming, and the most amazing person you could ask for. His smile could light up a room, and he cared for every person he ever came into contact with. My parents loved him, and my brother approved of him after he was finally lucid enough to meet him. He was perfect._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” I said quietly, in a tiny, scared voice to Brent as we sat on the couch of his dark, TV-lit dorm late that night, my head curled into his chest._

_“Can’t do what, Al?” he replied gently, rubbing his hand up and down my arm to comfort me. He always had a way of sensing when people needed some comfort or encouragement, and I almost laughed in the most twisted way as I prepared to break his heart._

_I looked up into his eyes as the tears began to fall. “This is so stupid,” I said with a slight laugh in my voice as I suppressed a sob. He carefully wiped my tears with his thumb, and gently kissed the top of my head._

_“You can tell me anything Al.” At that point, I already knew that he knew what was coming._  

_“I can’t be with you Brent. You’re amazing, and so, SO kind, and you deserve someone who can give that back to you. This—this just isn’t working out for me. It’s not you Brent, you’re perfect, and I want you to find all the happiness in the world. You’re just not right for me. And now I’m just rambling, and I feel really stupid and—I just hope you can understand.”_

_He knew. I had told him that I was unsure of my sexuality a few months back, and he was so completely supportive and amazing. But at that time, I couldn’t picture my life without him, and I just assumed that I would continue to fall more and more in love with him as the years went on. But the longer that we went, the more I realized that I was falling in love with him as a friend, and not as a lover. I would never be able to fully give myself to him, and I knew that he deserved to have someone that would._

_He held me a little tighter as I started ugly sobbing. He ran his fingers through my hair, and kissed the top of my head again as I cried into his chest. “Alex, it’s okay, shh,” he whispered. “You’re going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. Everything you just said—I feel the same exact way about you, Alex. You’re kind, and beautiful, and the most amazing person. One day you’re going to find someone, and they are going to be perfect for you, and you’re going to be perfect for them, and when that happens, you’re going to find me, and tell me all about how happy you are. And we’re going to drink our hearts out that day, thinking back to how young and naive we were in this moment, right now. Okay?”_

_I didn’t reply, and he took it as a chance to lift my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye again. “This isn’t an end, Ali—this is a beginning.”_

_And with that, I started crying more. “I love you,” I said, just loud enough for him to hear me._

_“I love you too, Al.”_  


“I will never understand how Brent could break up with such a gem like you, what a mistake he made,” my mom said, inspecting how the dress fit. “He didn’t deserve you.” _Nope, he didn’t._  

I just bit my tongue, not wanting think about how I lied to my parents, telling them that Brent had broken up with me over a petty argument. I could never bring myself to telling them the truth of why we broke up. I never really liked the term “closet case”, but as much as I hated to admit it, that was exactly what I was.

I liked being in the closet. It sounds crazy, but I liked being alone with my own thoughts without anyone interjecting with their opinion. I think that’s why I struggled to push myself out of it. I was so comfortable in there. I was safe there. Yet, I was very aware of the fact that I needed to get out of it.

 I had watched my brother go through coming out. And for the most part, it wasn’t too pretty. There were lots of late nights staying up with him while he cried, shouting at god for making him gay. There were lots of lost relationships, lots of fights with my dad. After watching that whole ordeal, I decided that I was never coming out. I had come out to Brent, and although  hadn’t heard from him in a few years, I still could have trusted him with my life.I was pretty content being single, and I figured it couldn’t be too bad to just stay that way for the rest of my life.

Years later Kyle would tell me that he knew before he knew about himself, but he never wanted to say anything because he knew firsthand how badly it hurt to be pushed out of the closet without being ready.  It was oddly relieving in away, knowing that this wasn’t all in my head. Just knowing that someone else could see and feel it too was everything I needed to finally feel comfortable with myself.

But back then, it seemed like life was never going to get better. I didn’t think that it needed to, though. I was pretty okay with being right where I was.

So no, I wouldn’t ever be ‘finding myself a man’, little did my mom know. But I bit my tongue and smiled like the perfect daughter I was supposed to be. “Thanks mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated :) If there's anything thats confusing let me know and I'll try to clarify in a future chapter. And if theres anything you guys want to see happen, let me know too! I have the plot of this mostly planned out, but I'm flexible :)
> 
> Also a little bit about this story: every chapter is going to switch point of view between Ali and Ashlyn, so some chapters are probably going to be pretty short. Most of their backgrounds will be told through flashbacks, which have been pretty interesting to write since Ali's are based on real life while Ash's aren't for the most part. Most of the time, if there is a short chapter, I will be posting 2 at a time that way theres still a enough to sit down and read. Updates are going to be every day or every other day for a while until the story really gets moving, and then it will probably be about once a week. I'm really trying to emphasize how different Ali's (and some of Ash's friends) lives would have been without her in them, so hopefully you guys pick up on those little things ;) Enjoy!


	6. The Journal

It was a few weeks later when I decided to clean the apartment after Leia left for practice. I had fell back into a depression, and kind of hated myself for it. I had reached the point of knowing that it wouldn’t last forever, but that didn’t help extinguish the demons that still danced around my head during those weeks. My depressions weren’t that beautiful sadness that television always seemed to portray, but rather an extreme lack of motivation to get anything done along with lots of dark thoughts about both my past and present, sometimes with an occasional outburst. That day Jamie was out of town and I was struggling to get up the energy to leave the house, so after Leia begged, I reluctantly agreed to let her ride her board to practice. It was only a bit down the road, but I always felt scared watching her wobble on the board with her skinny legs. I watched her until she turned the corner towards the shore, and then I sighed and walked back to the apartment.   
I hated that apartment, but I did my best to make it seem as great as possible for Leia’s sake. It was what I considered two and a half rooms, with the kitchen being kind of cramped to one side of the living room. Me and Leia’s bedroom was even smaller than our tiny living room, and was off to the side with our bathroom. It definitely wasn’t a horrible apartment, we made it work for two people, but it was definitely a step down from the shore-side mansions around the corner.

I just chuckled as I found the memory box that Leia had been digging through a few weeks back. Leia loved going through it so much, but I could never get the courage up to do it myself. I sighed as I sat down beside it, peeking in at all of the trophies and school pictures that filled it. Then I saw it. My old journal that I had written in religiously every day for years. I was always so proud of how well I had kept it back when I was younger. Reluctantly, I pulled it out of the box, brushing off the cover and opening up to a random page.

_October 19, 1998_

_Mom and Dad are getting divorced. When I got home from school, they were screaming at each other like always, but mom had this huge gash on her cheek. Chris was yelling at them, and trying to get them to stop throwing things. I think he’s finally taller than dad, so hopefully he can start holding him back when he gets in his moods. I don’t think they noticed me. I just quietly stood in the doorway so that dad wouldn’t start yelling at me too._

_Me and Chris threw out all of the alcohol and drugs a few nights ago, so I think that might be what started the fight. We do it all the time—I’m not really sure where they think everything disappears every week, but they still haven’t caught us. But anyway, I’m still not really sure why they were fighting. But after everything calmed down as much as it could, mom told me and Chris that she was leaving and getting a divorce. I’m not sure where she went, it's been a few hours and we haven’t heard from her, but I’m sure she’s fine. She always is._

_After I finished my homework I found a birthday cake in the trash. I guess it was for me, but something must have happened. I don’t mind it really. Mom and dad can hardly remember my name, so it’s was nice to at least know they were probably aware that it was my birthday._

_Chris got me a new longboard. It’s beautiful. He told me that now I’m a teenager I needed a ‘real’ one, whatever that means. I never really minded the hand-me-down one, it was a little small, maybe, but the turn radius was pretty good. But the new one is all black with these really intricate white designs. I love it so much._

_I don’t think Chris realizes how much he means to me. Which makes me sad, because I think sometimes he thinks no one really cares about him. I guess I get it, mom and dad can be a little hard on us, but really, Chris is my best friend. I think I need to start telling him that I love him more._

_I keep forgetting that mom is for real this time. They tell us they’re getting divorced all the time, but this time mom meant it for real. I hope that she’s serious, life would be so much easier if we only have to deal with them one at a time._

_-_

_October 20, 1998_

_Dad broke the longboard. He told Chris that he was turning me into a dyke. I don’t know what that means, but Chris got mad. Really mad. So dad broke the longboard. I didn’t cry, I feel like if I cry in front of him he’s just gonna think that he’s has power over us. So I just stood with my arms crossed and bit my lip to get out my frustration._

_Dad threw a few punches at Chris, but I think he just ended up with a black eye, so not quite as bad as the broken nose._

_I can’t wait to leave this house. When I grow up, I’m going to play soccer, and I’m going to go to the Olympics, and the World Cup, and then I’m going to be the best parent I can possibly be. As long as I have soccer, nothing can stop me. I’m going to have a big, beautiful house right near the shore, and I’m never going to have to see mom or dad again. I’m going to teach my kids how to surf, and how to play soccer, and I’m going to make them feel so so loved. Life is going to be perfect. I just need these next 5 years to hurry up so I can get out._

I stopped reading there. It was too much. I had so many grand plans for myself. I was going to be better than my parents. And while I had never laid a hand on Leia, I was basically the same as them. A recovering addict living in a cramped apartment, unable to provide my kid with all of the luxuries of childhood. Sure, we did our best with what we had, but it definitely wasn’t what I wanted for her.

 _“Ash, you’re never going to amount to nothing, you fucking dyke. You’ll be lucky if you even make it out of this house alive.”_ It was my dad’s voice, suddenly flooding my head. _“I never wanted a daughter anyway, so I guess it’s not a big deal if I just forget about you and pretend you never happened.”_ I started having a vivid flashback to the conversation we had after I turned fifteen and had told him I was invited to the national team camp. I was so happy that day, and he just absolutely crushed me.

And then I lost it. I threw the whole box against the wall, and kicked anything I came into contact with. Jamie always told me when I felt like having a breakdown to sit down and listen to music or anything to keep myself occupied, but truth be told, it felt damn good to let it all out. I punched the wall as hard as I could, and when I felt one of my fingers snap back, I just kept at it. The thing about being in pain is that when you’re hurting, and I mean really hurting, the pain overrules anything else circling your head. It’s almost like a nerve block for your thoughts. And so time and time again, I exposed myself to it just for the sake of clearing my mind.

I don’t remember much from that night, only the sounds of an ambulance whirling past the apartments really caught my attention as I rampaged through the apartment. I screamed, I cried, I laughed at god for the ironic twists he always seemed to put in my life.

I think I fell asleep around 8, the journal long forgotten as I curled myself into a ball on the floor of the bathroom. For some reason, I always ended up in the bathroom. Probably because that was the only place I could find solace during my parent’s fights as a kid, but I still found it a uniquely weird place to find comfort.

But then again, I was a uniquely weird person with a uniquely weird life.


	7. Making a Friend

It was the Wednesday before our first Saturday game. It was early March, and finally getting warm and sunny. As I got out the cones to set up our warm-up agilities, the sight of dolphins in the water distracted me. It was the most peaceful moment I had since moving to Florida, and I silently forced myself to take a mental picture of the scene in my head before turning around. The sky was blue and orange and pink all at once, and the water was a dark, dark turquoise. It could have been up on a giant mosaic mural somewhere, it was so beautiful.

I turned back around to see that three girls had arrived and were starting to put on their gear. 

“Hi ladies!” I said as I started walking towards them to join their circle. I noticed that my keeper, Leia, had rode a longboard to the field. Braedyn’s family was away on vacation, so she must have had to find another ride.

“Leia, did you ride here?” I asked, looking at her longboard.

She nodded her head shyly as she turned her board over to show me the brightly colored deck. “Wow, that’s awesome! My brother can ride, but I’m always too afraid that I’ll fall over, I’m not good at balancing!” I said in an attempt to make conversation with the small girl. 

“It’s not that hard, I promise. My mom taught me, we don’t have a car, so we just ride everywhere.” I didn’t think too much of her not having a car. It wasn’t uncommon on the coast, where everywhere you needed to get to was within walking distance. 

“Well your mom must be pretty cool,” I said with an emphasis in my voice. Leia’s face lit up as she looked back up at me.    
“Yeah, she is,” she said, a big grin on her face.

I wish I still could have thought she was cool later that night.

Halfway through practice, I heard a tree branch snap and immediately whipped around to make sure everybody was alright. “What was that?” I heard one of the girls ask. 

And then I saw, and everything was in slow motion.

“Holy shit,” I said, my filter out the window. I could hear the other girls screaming in the background, but my brain wasn’t processing their noise as I looked down at Leia, sitting up between the posts, breathing heavily as her big, almond shaped hazel eyes looked down at her right leg that was completely broken in half right below her knee. It was surprising it took her as long as it did to start screaming. When I broke my leg in college I know I started screaming the moment I hit the ground. 

“Okay, okay, we’re okay, I said as I kneeled down besides her, compressing the huge laceration she had with the few bibs I luckily had in my hand at that moment. “Lay back, sweetheart, okay? Look up at the sky, don’t look down, it’s fine, you’re going to be fine,” I tried to say reassuringly as I brushed some stray hairs out of her eyes. “Girls, someone go into my backpack, my phone is in the front pocket.” With that they all ran, some of them thankful to have an excuse to leave Leia’s side, and a few of them just trying to kiss my ass. One girl, Emma, brought it back over. “Okay, I need you to call 911 and put it on speaker, okay?”

“I don’t know the password,” she said, unaware of the emergency feature.  _ For fucks sake _ , I thought to myself. I made a mental note to explain to kids how to call 911 in the future. “It’s 0-7-2-8, got it?” I asked as calmly as possible as the bibs starting reaching saturation. I didn’t want to freak Leia out, so I just continued to keep a calm smile on my face. 

I finally was able to call for an ambulance, and I immediately tried to call Leia’s mom, Ashlyn, as soon as one of the girls was able to get the emergency contact sheet out of my binder. I called 7 times, and had one of the girls send two texts from my phone, but to no avail. In the middle of another attempt, the ambulance arrived, and I was stuck. 

“Does she have a guardian present?” one of the EMT’s asked as she wrapped Leia onto the stretcher, holding her leg carefully now that the bleeding was controlled. 

“No, I can’t get a hold of her mom.”

“Have you tried her father?"

  
“I don’t have one,” Leia said, quietly answering the question for me, as she still moaned in pain as she was moved.

I looked back at the EMT with the fear of god in my face. There was no way I could leave 13 6 and 7 year olds unattended for an hour. “Give me your emergency contact list, I’ll stay back and call the parents, you go with her,” she said, nodding towards Leia. 

“Thank you so much,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief. I climbed into the back of the ambulance with Leia. As soon as we were in, a young EMT introduced himself as he immediately got out a morphine drip to start on Leia. 

“Woah, don’t we need parental consent for that?” I asked as I looked into Leia’s frightened eyes as she looked at the needle. 

“Not when your leg looks like—not now,” he said reassuringly as I heard Leia’s lungs tighten up.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. The same thing happened to me, the medicine in the needle will make your leg feel better,” I said, nodding toward the EMT, silently giving him permission to put it in while I had Leia distracted. She jumped a bit as it went in, and then started crying again. “It’s over! Look at that, all done, and now the pain’s going to start going away,” I said, stroking her arm as the tears continued to fall. “Isn’t that amazing?”

Leia didn’t respond, she just continued to cry and shake. “I want my mom,” she said in between sharp intakes of breath. 

“She’s on her way,” I lied, hoping that her mom would start to figure things out once the other parents got a hold of her or she noticed that Leia didn’t come home. She would have to figure it out pretty quickly, I wrongly assumed. 

She was rushed into the E.R., and was quickly diverted to Orthopedics. I held her hand the whole time, trying anything to make her forget about the pain. After an hour or so, the morphine had fully kicked in. She wasn’t dopey at all, just really tired. Her leg got set, which elicited a lot of screaming and tears, but at least it was over quickly. Her laceration got stitched up, and she was put in a bed sling for the night. It was pretty amazing to see a young kid handle the whole situation as well as she did. When I broke my leg I was a complete and utter mess, even at age 21. 

“Your phone password is my birthday,” she whispered quietly later that night, around 11 I think.

“Huh?” I asked, being snapped out of my day dream.

“July 28th, that’s my birthday,” she said with her eyes still shut from the weight of sleep. 

“Are you kidding me,” I said quietly, “that’s my birthday too. Maybe we’re twins?” She smiled slightly, but then quickly wrinkled her face in confusion. 

“Is my mom here yet?” I looked down at my phone for the hundredth time that hour, and shook my head. “No sweetheart, she’s not.”

“You can go home, Coach Ali. My mom’s hasn’t been feeling good, she’ll be here eventually though.” It amazed me that the kid was only six, she was so poised and spoke like a little adult. 

“No, are you kidding me? I’ve gotta make sure my amazing keeper gets nothing but the best care, duh,” I said with a child-like voice. She smiled again, and reached her hand out for mine. 

“Thanks Coach Ali.” I think she fell asleep about 10 minutes later. 

I was so confused as to why her mom wasn’t picking up. I had called her at least 30 times that night, and sent several texts, giving updates as Leia was moved around. I learned that night that nothing required parental consent when your bone is fully broken in half, so we just rolled with the punches as they came. I knew a few things about her mom, Ashlyn—she played soccer, yet didn’t like it, she didn’t have a car, and either she didn’t have a husband or he was dead. 

And she had a beautiful child. Leia’s features were goddess-like, her long, wavy, white-blonde hair fell over her shoulders, and her bright hazel eyes popped on her dark tan skin that contrasted against the bright white gown the hospital had put on her. She was very small for her age; she probably didn’t weigh 40 pounds soaking wet. Not an ideal goalkeeper, but I was fully prepared to let her do it anyway as her determination and ferocity balanced out her size. Her cheeks were high and defined, and her forehead was pronounced. 

I sighed as I looked down at my phone one more time before reclining back in the chair next to Leia’s bed and falling asleep, her small hand still in mine. Leia needed me, and as much as it pained me to admit it, it felt damn good to finally have someone who needed me. 


	8. 34 Missed Calls

I woke up the next morning to find my phone screen completely shattered under the bed in the bedroom. “Fuck,” I mumbled to myself, pulling it out so I could go charge it. But then I took a second glance. Leia wasn’t in the bed. 

My heart dropped as I starting looking around my apartment. She was known for hiding in the oddest places to scare me since she could fit with her tiny size, but I didn’t see her  _ anywhere _ . “Oh my god, oh my god,” I said, as I plugged my phone in, annoyed by how long it was taking to charge.  _ Maybe she’s at the bus stop _ I thought to myself as I saw the clock turn to 8:15. I ran outside to find every neighborhood kid  _ but _ Leia lined up at the corner.  _ Fuck _ .

By that point there were tears running down my face, and my heart was pounding. I had no clue what to do, she wasn’t at Jamie’s since they were still away, and I had left the door unlocked the night before so she could get in. I went back inside to find my phone on and charged. I had 34 missed phone calls and 18 missed text messages from a D.C. phone number. 

The next few minutes were a blur as I read the text messages, some of them begging me to get the hospital up the shore, some of them giving me updates on the leg Leia had apparently broken the night before. My breathing got staggered as I read the text saying “Bone had to be set, it looked pretty painful but she totally rocked it, she’s a pretty tough girl it looks like.” The last text was a picture of Leia sleeping in a hospital bed, her hair slightly disheveled with the caption “She’s finally getting some sleep. We ended up in room 398, so just find us whenever you get this.” 

“FUCK,” I screamed out loud as I grabbed a black tee shirt and nike shorts and threw them on as I tossed my hair into a bun and ran to the bus stop around the corner. 

3 buses, 4 miles ran, and 2 hours later, I was outside of Cape Canaveral Hospital. I ran into the main entrance, and almost slammed into the desk my legs started to fail me. “Where is Leia Harris?” I asked the receptionist, desperate to find her. 

“Name and relation?” she asked coldly, no emotion in her voice. 

“Ashlyn Harris, I’m her mother,” I said back. 

“Can I see your I.D.?”

I breathed heavily as I realized my I.D. was back at the apartment. Seeing the distress on my face she motioned for me to lean in. 

“Is she a little blonde girl? Maybe 5 years old?” I nodded enthusiastically and she smirked. “I’ll let you go, I don’t think there’s really any denying that you’re her mother,” she said as she handed me a printed name tag. “She’s in 398 on the third floor. I wish you both the best, she was a trooper last night from what I could see.” I thanked her profusely, and then took the stairs up.

I never really liked hospitals. I had spent two weeks in one the summer before after I had my infamous breakdown of 2015. That was the week that I had called up Whit, telling her that she needed to come get Leia as calmly as I could. I quietly packed a bag for Leia, and told her that she was going on a surprise vacation with Aunt Whit and Ryan. “For how long?” I remember her asking me. 

“I don’t know, that’s part of the surprise,” I said, buckling her into the back of Whit’s car as Whitney mouthed to me, “Are you okay?” 

I had inconspicuously shook my head “no” to acknowledge her as Leia babbled on about surfing and sandcastles and all of the fun stuff that Whit liked to do with her. “Bye sweetheart, have fun! I’ll call you soon, okay?”

I waited until I couldn’t see Whit’s car anymore to walk myself to the bus station. A few hours later, I self-admitted myself to the Psychiatric ward at the very hospital I was standing in now, and spent two weeks figuring out how I could get my life back together. They figured out the right doses of medication, and forced me to do some therapy. I could honestly say that after those two weeks, I was the best I had been in awhile.

As I reached for the cold, sliding glass door of 398, the distinct smell of hospital cleaner hit me, and it was like I was right back where I was the previous Summer. Except Leia was sitting up awake in the bed, and a stranger, her coach I assumed, was asleep in the recliner next to her. “Mommy,” she whispered with almost a sort of reverent awe in her voice. She reached her arms out and stayed very quiet as she spoke to me, being considerate of her sleeping coach beside her. I slid onto the bed as I held her in my arms. 

“Leia, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here last night, I–”

“It’s okay, Mom,” she said, cutting me off. “I was fine, don’t worry.” I breathed a slight sigh of relief as my six year old granted me forgiveness. 

“What happened Le?” I asked out of curiosity. She told me how she had lunged forward for a ball, and another kid accidentally stepped right on her leg with her cleat. I cringed, thinking about how my initial worries that her size would end up hurting her were affirmed. 

“I saved the ball, though,” she said, like it didn’t matter that her leg was completely shattered as long as she kept the ball out of the net. 

Like I said, the kid was just like me. 

Suddenly, her eyes got wide. “What’s wrong Le?”

“Mommy I have school! We have to go,” she said looking back at me, her eyes filled with worry. I laughed a little bit. The girl had her priorities straight. 

“Le, I’ll call, you don’t have to go to school today baby,” I said, stroking her hair. She nodded her head, and then directed her attention towards her coach, who was beginning to stir. 

“Good morning Coach Ali,” Leia said in her small voice.

“Good morning Leia,” she replied as her glance shifted towards me. “Ms. Harris, glad to see you could make it here,” she said with a bit of a bite in her voice. 

I slid off the bed and stepped toward the woman as she stood up. She had long, dark brown hair thrown back into a ponytail, and big brown eyes. “Ashlyn,” I said extending my hand.   
“Alexandra,” she replied, shaking my hand in a very sterile manner. “A word?” She asked, but it was more of a statement as she nodded towards the door. “We’ll be right back, Leia,” she said. Leia nodded, perfectly content to watch the news that was up on the television. 

“Where the hell were you last night?” Alexandra asked as soon as the door slid shut, her tone sharp and short. Her eyes were big and angry, and I choked on my words as I tried to come up with a reply. We definitely weren’t going to be friends I could quickly tell. 

“I—I was-”

“Sick? Yeah, Leia told me you weren’t feeling well, but it’s not a fucking excuse not to pick up your phone when I called you thirty times last night. I kept telling Leia that you were coming, that you would show up. You better thank god that you have a mature kid, any other kid would have lost it.”

I silently thanked Leia for defending me, I knew that she would always be on my side. She knew (to a degree) how depression worked, and she was always so completely understanding when it hit. 

“I’m so sorry, I fell asleep and my phone was dead, I didn’t see anything until this morning. I’m so, so sorry,” I said, slightly annoyed how this woman was up on her high horse.

“Don’t tell  _ me _ you’re sorry, tell Leia! What would have happened if I didn’t go with her? She would have come here, and been in all of that pain  _ alone _ . She would have been all alone last night, could you even imagine her not having someone, she’s six years old, she can’t handle—”   
I cut her off there as my blood began to boil. “Did you ever stop to think about how you have no fucking clue what is going on in our world? In  _ my _ world? Did you ever stop to think about how Leia isn’t like most other kids, and she would have been just fine without her superstar coach babying her the whole way through the hospital? Did you stop to think about how Leia already understands why I’m not here, so you’re not as big of an earth-shattering hero for staying here as you’d like to think? Hmm? Speak up, I know you have something to say,” I said, my words suddenly fiery and my heart beating out of my chest.

She searched for an answer as her gaze shifted between my eyes, and then suddenly towards the floor. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to attack you like that.”

“I would hope not,” I replied dryly, my words still sharp. 

“It’s just, she seemed so helpless, and I was getting really frustrated that you weren’t responding,” she said as her huge brown eyes looked back at me. She had a slight accent, you could tell by the odd way she accented her words, and she mumbled ever so slightly. I think the accent was German or Russian or something like that. 

I can assure you,” I started, my voice strong and powerful, “that my daughter is anything but helpless.”

She finally nodded her head in understanding, and a look of sorrow flashed across her face. “Could you guys use a ride home later?”

Leia was released a few hours later, with a new red cast (I had convinced her against black after explaining that all of the heat would get trapped in it) and a wheelchair (they didn’t make crutches small enough for her). Alexandra pulled up in front of the hospital. Of course the soccer star herself would be in a fancy BMW, I don’t know why I ever expected anything less. “The buses would be a pain to ride with the wheelchair, it’s really no problem,” she said after I thanked her again for bringing us back out of courtesy. 

It was only a twenty minute ride back to the apartments, and it was a mostly silent one. I almost wanted to make Alexandra drop us off around the corner out of shame of where we lived, but I sucked it up for Leia’s sake. “Next right,” I said as she turned into the apartments. 

“Let me help you guys get back in, I know from experience that the wheelchair can be a little hard,” she said, stepping out of the car. I started to protest, but before I had the chance she already had Leia out of the car and into the wheelchair, and was starting to walk her towards our unit as Leia pointed out how to get to it.  _ Shit _ .

“I’ve got it from here,” I said, stepping in front of the door once we reached it. “Thanks for staying with her last night and thanks for the ride,” I said awkwardly, waiting for her to leave. The apartment was still a mess from the rampage I had the night before, and I really didn’t want her seeing the poor excuse of a household that Leia lived in. 

“No, seriously, I feel really bad about how heated I was earlier, the least I could do is help you settle in.”

This woman wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I sighed as I opened up the door for her to push Leia in. I could see the look on her face, but she did a pretty decent job at keeping it concealed. “Where’s your room, sweetheart?” she asked Leia, narrowly avoiding the pictures that I had thrown out of the box. 

“It’s through that door, I don’t think the wheelchair can fit in there though.” She wasn’t wrong—our bedroom was mostly taken up by the twin bed that we shared, with maybe a foot of space on the sides. Ali simply nodded her head and picked Leia up, holding her on her hip as she entered the room. 

“Why don’t you try to take a nap while your mom and I talk a little, okay?” I could hear her ask before she closed the door behind her. She came back out with softer eyes, a hint of concern showing on her face. 

“Look-” I started before she cut me off. 

“Do you have somewhere to sleep?” she asked, looking around to see if there was a magically hidden couch somewhere in the room.

“I can sleep on the floor, it’s not a big deal. I’ve done it before when I’m sick.” I could see her mind reeling for answers. 

“I have an extra room, she could stay with me that way you don’t have to sleep on the floor. This is going to be weeks, you can’t go without a bed for that long.”   
This woman wanted to take my kid because I was too poor too afford to have two places to sleep in my cramped apartment. I suddenly felt really patronized, and lashed out. 

“You’re not taking my kid because you think my apartment isn’t suitable for a broken leg. I’d really appreciate if you’d hop off of your high horse anytime soon. I’m just fine, I don’t need your help,” I said louder than I should have, getting angrier and more embarrassed by the minute.

Alexandra looked hurt, her eyes widening as she tried to find words. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I broke my leg in college, and I know that it was really hard for me to get around. I have an extra room with a full size bed, you guys are welcome to it. The apartment’s really close to the hospital, it would probably be good to be close for her follow ups and everything. I’m never really there anyway, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Oh my god and now I’m rambling, so I’m just going to leave, I’m so sorry,” she said, quietly opening the door and leaving. 

I took a deep breath, and then followed her out the door. “Would you mind waiting for ten minutes? I’m going to pack some bags and then I think we’ll come with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated :)


	9. Lean On Me

I had just offered up my apartment to strangers out of shame for being a bitch. The whole ride home I was cursing myself for telling a woman who probably hated my existence that she could take residence in my apartment. All my friends knew that I took apologies way too seriously, but even Heather was surprised when I told her that I had roommates two weeks after they settled in. 

“You WHAT?” I remember her asking me, her eyes wide over the grainy facetime call. “How long have they been there? Ali—what?”

“They’ve been here for almost two weeks. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d freak out like this,” I said pointing back towards my screen, emphasizing the “you”. Ashlyn and Leia had gone out for the night, so I finally had a chance to catch up with Heather. “They couldn’t stay where they were, there wasn’t enough room in their apartment for the kids wheelchair, and I have an extra room, and they’re hardly ever here anyway. It’s not a big deal! I promise.”   
Heather just shook her head and laughed. “Your kindness is going to get you in real trouble one day Alex.” I sighed, knowing that she was probably right. I was a sucker for helping people in need, and it was going to catch up with me one day.

“I might have been a total bitch to her before I let them stay,” I quietly added, waiting for Heather to ask for more details. 

“Ali Krieger, being a bitch? Why am I finding this hard to believe, Al?”

I went on to tell Heather the whole story of what happened, and how badly I felt, and how I just wanted to help. I was so ashamed for attacking Ashlyn that I felt like I needed some way to counteract it.

“And it doesn’t hurt that her kid—Leia—is really freaking cute,” I said, trying to evoke some sort of support from my friend. “And I take her with me to practices while Ashlyn works, it’s nice to have someone to talk to on the ride down to Satellite.”

Heather just shook her head and breathed out in an exaggerated fashion. “It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if you end up with 10 different families living in your apartment Ali. You’ve got to stop being so damn nice at some point!” 

Later that night, after practice, I crawled into bed long after Leia and Ashlyn had gotten back and gone into the guest room for the night. I opened up my laptop to check facebook, which I hadn’t done in a while since I truly hated seeing what all of my friends were up to while I sulked about being all alone. I got ready for bed, ditching my makeup and putting my hair in a bun, then brushing my teeth and changing into an oversized t-shirt with a pair of cotton shorts. 

Once the wifi connected, the first thing I saw was a post from Brent. It was a picture of him and a beautiful girl, who didn’t look too different than me, laughing candidly on a park bench. They both looked like models, with their million dollar smiles and perfectly coordinated outfits. 

The caption? “Glad to be engaged to my best friend, happy I finally found the perfect girl.” My breathing quickened as I freaked out a little bit. I wasn’t mad at Brent—I was really happy that he found someone, he of all people deserved to be happy. And I was happy for the girl, who would have Brent by her side for the rest of her life. But our conversation the night we broke up hit me quickly, and suddenly I realized that while he had moved on and was starting a life, I was stuck in the same exact place I had been that night almost 10 years ago. 

Then I lost it. I threw my laptop against the wall and raked my nails into my skin. Tears flooded down my cheeks and my lungs burned. I completely forgot that I had guests in the apartment, and screamed until I couldn’t breathe.

Well, I had forgotten until Ashlyn showed up in my doorway after quietly opening the door. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” I started. “Just go back, I’m fine, I’m fine.” I said, hoping that she couldn’t see my tear-stained face in the dark room. 

But she stayed, she didn’t move. She just nodded her head, and continued to lean on the doorframe. “You’re not okay. Me and you, we didn’t get off on the right foot, but I’ve seen enough in my life to know that you’re not okay. If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine, but I need to at least know that you’re alright before I go back.” 

Her eyes looked sincere, and for the first time in the two weeks I had known her, I didn’t see her as someone to be afraid of. A rush of courage surged through me as I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. I knew that she had been through a lot, even though we had never discussed anything, and I felt like I could trust her. 

“Do you have a couple of hours?” I said shakily as I got out from under the covers, sitting criss-cross in the corner of my bed. 

She nodded and pushed herself off of the doorframe. She closed the door, then walked over to the opposite side of the bed facing away from me and towards the wall. The room was completely dark, only a little bit of light from under the door flooding in. She sat on the edge, and I shook my head as I tried to figure out if I was really about to tell a near stranger about my deepest, darkest secrets and fears. 

“So what’s up?” she started gently. 

“Um—my ex, he got engaged, and I guess it just really hit me hard.”

“Do you still love him?”

“Oh, god no,” I scoffed, laughing at what she didn’t know. “It just—it really sucks to not have someone, you know? I mean you do, but you have Leia, and she looks at you like you hung the moon yourself,” I said, looking down at my hands. “I just feel like I should be starting my life right now, that I should have someone who  _ needs _ me, and instead I’m all alone in a town that I don’t even know.”   
Ashlyn took a second to think, and then carefully chose her words. “Alexandra, I know we only just met, but I can tell that you’re so kind, and so thoughtful, and so protective of people you care about. As bitchy as you were a few weeks ago,” she started as I cringed thinking back to how I talked to her when Leia was still in the hospital, “it was pretty amazing to see how much you cared about my daughter.” I nodded, not really sure where she was going with this. “You just moved here. You’re going to find someone amazing, and you’re going to care about them the same way you care about everyone, and then your life will begin. You just have to be patient.”

I nodded, knowing that her words were true. She was so poised when she talked, and it almost took me aback a little bit. While her words were true, I knew that there was something stopping that from happening. So at 2 in the morning, to a person I had just met (and initially hated), in  _ my bedroom _ , I started a conversation that I hadn’t had since it was with Brent in college. 

“I’m-” I started as a tear fell down my cheek. “Sorry, I’m a mess,” I said a slight laugh in my voice as I wiped the tear from under my eye. I took a long exhale, and then finished what I started. “I’m gay,” I said quietly under my breath. “And I really don’t want to be,” I mumbled.

There was a moment of silence, before I could feel Ashlyn shift on the bed. She turned around, and our eyes met as I shifted my gaze up from my hands. At that moment, I lost it again. My body started to shake, and my eyes filled with salt-water tears. I was expecting her to quietly leave, to let me be alone while I cried. But then I felt a hand wrap around my shoulder. Without thinking, I leaned into her shoulder, and just continued to cry while she rocked back and forth. We sat in silence for a bit, just taking in the dark and quiet. “It’s okay, you know,” she said in a quiet whisper once my tears started to subside. 

“Thanks,” I said, suddenly feeling dumb that I was leaning on her as she told me she was okay with what I had just told her.   
“No, I mean it’s okay to be gay Alex,” she said. I took note of her calling me Alex. Only my close friends ever did that. “It took me a few years to realize myself, but it’s okay, it really is.” 

I pulled back from her arm, and I looked deep into her eyes, looking for answers. “I am too—gay, I mean,” she said gently, trying to make me feel comfortable. I nodded but stayed silent, not really wanting to venture any further into conversation. I felt sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and pretend that the conversation had never happened. 

“You know you need other people right?” she said, scooting back on the edge of the bed so she could look into my eyes as she spoke. I wasn’t responding to anything she was saying, but she kept going anyway. “You can’t go your whole life holding things in, and struggling while trying to pretend that everything is okay. What you just told me? That’s brave, that’s strong. Showing emotion? That’s strength too. Weakness is pretending everything is fine, pretending that you don’t need other people to support you. I’ve had a lot of—obstacles in my life,” she said, trying to find the right words. I really wanted to know more about her in that moment, she was so wise beyond her years it seemed like, and I knew that was probably a result of serious hardship. “Without other people, there’s no way in hell I’d still be here, on this earth,” she said gently, but with an emphasis in her voice. As her hazel eyes searched for something else to say, I realized just how much Leia looked like her. Ashlyn had long, white-blond hair that curled itself into messy beach waves. Her face was freckled, probably from the sun, and her eyes had a unique shape, just like Leia’s. Her cheekbones and jaw were strong and pronounced, which was probably partly due to genetics and partly due to how skinny she was. 

“...just promise me you’ll tell me when you’re struggling? I know we might not be best friends, but I’m leaning on you right now while me and Leia stay here, and so you need to learn how to lean on me, okay?” She finished her words, but I didn’t hear the first part as I was caught studying the outlines of her features in the dark room. I nodded my head as she awkwardly got up from the bed and started towards the door. 

“Thanks, Ashlyn,” I said, my voice a bit stronger since I had calmed down.

As she opened the door, she looked back towards me. “Night Alexandra, see you tomorrow.” And then the door was closed, and I was left to my own thoughts once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll start moving soon, I promise!!! Comments are appreciated :)


	10. 20 Questions

“Hey, did you guys want to come with me to the tournament today?” Alexandra asked a week later as we all sat down at the breakfast bar in her kitchen to eat our cereal. “The weather’s not too bad, your cast will probably feel just fine,” she said, looking towards Leia. Leia looked towards me for an answer, already knowing that I wouldn’t want to join. 

“You can go with Coach Ali if you want Le, I’m going to go to the shop and work for a bit, is that okay?” Leia then looked to Alexandra for an answer, and she enthusiastically nodded her head yes. 

“The girls are going to be so excited to see you!” Ali said excitedly. Leia smiled and finished off the last of her cereal before hobbling over to the sink to clean the bowl. “Leia I told you, you don’t need to clean the bowls, I can do it,” Ali said, concern in her voice as she watched Leia clean the bowl in the sink, on the tiptoes of one foot as she held her casted leg behind her. 

“I got it, I do this at home normally, it’s not a big deal,” Leia stated as she put the bowl on a drying rack. Ali looked back towards me and I just shrugged my shoulders. Leia was so independent that sometimes it hurt my ego as a mom a little bit. Leia hopped back over towards the guest room before turning back around abruptly. 

“Coach Ali, can I still wear my jersey if I’m not playing?” Ali laughed in reply.

“Yes, of course you can. You’re still my #1 keeper!” Leia smiled and then hobbled off into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. 

“She’s amazing,” Ali said, turning towards me after she was sure Leia was out of earshot.

“She is,” I said, a smile on my face. I knew that Leia was amazing, that she was an absolute angel, but something about other people recognizing that made me feel warm inside. 

“Hey, I wanted to ask you for a favor,” Ali started. I almost immediately went into defense mode, preparing for whatever she was about to ask me. “I’ve seen your sketches, and you’re way more artistic than I’ll ever hope to be,” she continued. I had no clue where she was going, and I was a little scared if I was being honest. “Do you think you can help me find stuff for the apartment later? There’s a few homestores down the street, but I don’t even know where to start.” 

I breathed a sigh of relief. Decorating was something I could do. 

Later that day, after I had gone to the shop to work with Jenna, and after Ali had sent me a picture of Leia with her teammates all in medals after the team won gold, we were in her BMW on the way to an outlet. Jamie had offered to take Leia for the night so that she and Brayden could have a sleepover, and I cautiously let her go, explaining to Jamie exactly how her leg needed to be propped up overnight. The ride was mostly silent, but me and Ali were on better terms after we had slowly started to open up to each other. We still definitely hadn’t told each other everything, but one day I finally worked up the courage to explain my depression to her, which she immediately understood, telling me that her brother had it too. I was surprised by how well she got it, telling me that if I ever needed more space than usual to just let her know.

“So what color scheme are you thinking of?” I asked, trying to figure out what exactly she wanted.

“I have no clue,” she said, sounding like she hadn’t even thought about it.

“Well what’s your favorite color?”

“Fuchsia, but I’m guessing that it probably wouldn’t make for a great looking apartment,” she said, laughing. 

I smiled as we pulled into the parking lot. “I think I can figure it out.”

We ended up leaving with a can of paint, some decorative pillows, a few framed pieces of art, a large rug, and a decorative mirror. I sold her on going with a modern, mainly white color scheme, with fuchsia and navy accents. “How do you pick things out so easily?” she asked in wonder as I easily threw things together.

I shrugged. Art always came easy to me, and I think that after years and years of learning how to do tattoos, I had come to understand what worked and what didn’t. “I guess I’ve just always had an eye for it, that’s how I became a tattoo artist after all,” I said simply. 

“That’s a pretty amazing talent,” she had said as we loaded the stuff into the car. 

The next day I had gotten back from the shop to find Leia sitting on the couch of Ali’s living room, directing her where to put the mirror. “Wow,” I said, seeing that the small, jutted wall that held the fireplace was already painted navy. “You got all of this done fast.”

The apartment looked totally different already, with the navy contrasting against the white. An abstract fuchsia painting was on the mantle, and the patterned navy and white rug was already placed underneath the couch. 

“A little higher, you want to be able to see your face at least,” Leia directed Ali as she shifted the large mirror on the wall. I laughed at Leia, she was ever the logical one between the two of us. Ali marked the wall with a pencil, and turned around to greet me. 

“Yeah, it all went pretty fast, turns out your daughter has quite the artistic eye too,” Ali said, smiling towards Leia. “Practice ended a little early tonight, it was just too hot to keep them out that long, so I figured I might as well get started with this, but then Leia started helping and we got it mostly done.”    
I chuckled, knowing that Leia didn’t actually help since her leg was still in the huge cast, but smiled at Ali, silently thanking her for making Leia feel special. “Alright Le, why don’t you start getting ready for bed?” I said, ruffling her hair. 

“Alright, night Coach Ali!” she said jumping up and then hopping towards the guest room. 

“Goodnight Miss Leia! And I told you, it’s just Ali, okay?” Leia just giggled as she closed the door.

“Thanks for making her feel included,” I said as Ali finished putting up nails and then hanging the mirror on the wall.

“No, she seriously was a help. That six year old makes me feel dumb without trying, she knew to put the mirror over here to make the room look bigger, and that the blue paint should go over there to make the room look balanced,” she replied laughing. “Definitely her mother’s daughter,” she said as she pointed towards my open sketchbook.  _ God I don’t want her to be _ I thought as I smiled back at Ali.

“Yeah, she’s definitely my mini-me.”

—

A week later, and I could finally call Ali a friend. While she definitely hadn’t seen the ugly side of me, she knew me at least as well as all of my other ‘friends’ did, minus Whit. We’d spent that week learning our favorite meals (me and Leia liked mac-and-cheese while Ali liked quesadillas), favorite colors (Leia liked black, I liked red, and Ali liked pink), and our favorite numbers (Leia’s was 18 since that was the number on her jersey, mine was 19, and Ali’s was 11). After mentioning that she’d always wanted to learn to surf, I invited her to come with me, Leia, and Whitney and to go surfing. She fell probably hundreds of times, but was so proud of herself once she was able to stay up. 

“I can’t believe you actually let someone help you,” Whit had said in amazement that day after I explained to her that we were staying with Ali while Leia’s leg healed up. 

I shrugged my shoulders as I watched Leia coach Ali from her towel on the sand. She was upset that she couldn’t go in the water, but just as happy to give Ali some pointers. “People need people, right?” I said, remembering that very conversation I had with Jamie a few years prior. 

That week Jamie offered to take Leia again, as it was spirit week at school and Leia and Brayden planned to be matching every day. The Tworkowski’s were finally home for an entire week after traveling across the country for TWLOHA, and Leia couldn’t be more thrilled. “So I’m going to stay at my apartment for the week as long as Leia is with them,” I had told Ali.

“Oh,” she said, sounding almost a little disappointed. “Will Leia still be at practice?”

“Of course, I’m sure Jamie can get her there,” I said as I finished packing my bag. 

“Okay, well, have a good week then!” Ali said with a forced cheerfulness in her voice. Although I still didn’t know her well, I knew her well enough to know that she was lonely, and that she  _ hated _ being alone. 

And I was the exact opposite. Being alone gave me the chance to be with my thoughts, to really think deeply and fully about what was going on in my world. Which is why it surprised me that I had a complete and utter breakdown on the fourth night of being alone. 

I don’t know if it was a result of the withdrawal, since I had completely given everything up since living under Ali’s roof, or the realization that Ali had accomplished everything that I had ever hoped to in soccer, but suddenly everything was fuzzy and my lungs burned, struggling to get air. My flight or fight response was in high gear as I punched the floor, not knowing what to do. 

I called Ali. 

I think I did it unconsciously. I couldn’t call Jamie, knowing that Leia would find out, and Whit had to be at work early the next morning. So I had called Ali. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes, Ashlyn,” she had said with a concern in her voice as I heard her door slam in the background.

Fifteen minutes later, there were knocks on my door. I couldn’t get up, my body just wouldn’t listen. So after the third round of knocks, Ali opened my door up and looked around, her hair up in a wild messy bun and wearing a big t-shirt and shorts, what she normally wore to bed. I felt a bit bad for waking her up once her eyes finally found me on the floor. 

“Oh, Ash,” she said immediately, kneeling down on the floor to get a better look at me. I felt so embarrassed as she pushed the hair out from over my eyes, and I began to wonder why I even called her in the first place. I had never called anyone in the middle of a breakdown before, why did I need to do it then?

“I’m glad you called,” she said as she continued to stroke my hair. And that’s when I really lost it. She made it clear that someone finally cared about me, even with my ugly side showing. I started sobbing again, and she gently pushed me up off of the floor to hold me while I cried. 

We sat in the middle of my empty living room for a bit, Ali whispering words of encouragement to me as I gradually calmed down. “Thank you for coming,” I said in a shaky voice once I had finally started breathing normally. 

“Well I didn’t exactly think it was fair that you had the absolute pleasure of seeing me cry without returning the favor,” she said jokingly, eliciting a small laugh out of me. We had become so much closer since that night I sat in her bedroom. “Why don’t we go for a walk?” 

I wasn’t about to protest, so I followed her out the door after grabbing a sweatshirt and my sneakers. I silently prayed that she wouldn’t bring up why I was such a mess that night, I didn’t want to have to explain myself to her. 

It was well past 10, and it was just dark enough that it took my eyes awhile to adjust. “Let’s play 20 questions, but like a deep version,” she said after walking in silence for awhile. I nodded, just thankful she wasn’t asking for an explanation. “You go first.”

“Okay,” I said reluctantly, “what was the best day of your life?” I could see her thinking carefully as she formulated an answer. 

“May 6th, 2007,” she answered, “it was the day by brother decided to become sober.” I wanted to know more, but at the same time, I knew that there were lines that we weren’t ready to cross. “Okay, what was the best day of your life?” she asked in return.

That was easy. “The day Le-”

“And you CAN’T say the day Leia was born, that’s a given.”   
I gritted my teeth as I tried to come up with another answer. In all honesty, I hadn’t had too many amazing, life-changing days in my life that didn’t relate to the sport that haunted me the most. But my soccer days were all I had if I was being honest.    
“September 1st, 2002,” I replied, thinking back to the day that my u19 national team had won the World Cup. I felt so proud of myself that day. It felt like I had proven not only a lot of my coaches wrong, but more importantly, my dad, who never realized just how good I was. I didn’t offer up anymore, but Ali wouldn’t let me off with just a date. 

“And what happened on September 1st, 2002?” she questioned. I sighed, trying to think of something to tell her. 

“My team won a big tournament. It was just a really good day,” I said hoping she would let me off easy. She did. 

“Your turn to ask a question,” she said, looking towards me after a few moments of silence.    
“Oh, um, why did you move to Florida?” I asked. I genuinely was curious, it sounded like she had a lot of friends in D.C.. 

She let out a little sigh before answering. “It honestly would have been too hard to stay in a town where I had so many great memories from soccer. Now that it’s over, I don’t really want to think about it. I mean, I’m still working for a soccer club, so I can’t get too far away from it, but I didn’t want to stay near my club. It just felt like I needed to move on.”

I laughed at the irony. We were one in the same. 

“Why don’t you like talking about or watching soccer?” she asked as her next question. I panicked, not knowing how to even begin answering that question. 

“I, um,” I started, suddenly feeling severely lightheaded. 

“Sorry, you don’t have to answer that,” she said quickly with a look of remorse on her face. 

“No, I just need a minute,” I said truthfully. After she had just told me about moving away to distance herself from her past career, I knew that she would understand where I was coming from. So I told her everything. I told her about my dad, how he would treat me and my brother after games on the field down the street, how I had been with the youth national teams, how I had been on the winning 2002 u19 team. I told her about UNC, and we laughed as we realized that I had saved one of her penalty kicks (it turns out that she had played at Penn State, and that we had played each other during playoffs one year). 

“I think I remember you, did you have brown hair back then?” she had asked. After I nodded, she laughed. “Oh my gosh, I was so pissed off!” 

And finally I had told her that after I found out I was pregnant, I had to drop all of my dreams for Leia. She nodded sympathetically as I started tearing up again, and grabbed my hand. “Let’s walk down here.” 

She led me to that damn field that I had hoped to never see again. She dragged me by the hand to a goal, and we sat down between the goal posts. “You’ve got to face your demons at some point,” she said gently as I closed my eyes and took long, deep breaths. I was really focused on not crying again as all of the memories flooded back to me. Scoring my first goal, grabbing a dead fish and hitting a kid with it after he had called me a boy, parents looking sympathetically at me upon realizing that my own parents never showed up to games. A lot had changed in Satellite since my childhood days, but the field hadn’t at all. The grass was still thin, and there was still that big patch of sandy clay in the middle of the dry field. The goals were as rough looking as they had been 20 years ago. It was like I was 10 years old again, waiting for a game to start 2 hours before anyone else got there for the 8am start time.

“You okay, Ashlyn?” 

I nodded, keeping my eyes closed as I took everything in. “Let’s get you home, okay?” Ali said as she first got up, then grabbed my hands in her own to hoist me up to my feet. 

By the time we started walking off the field, it was pitch black. Halfway back to the apartment, I could only see the moon reflecting off of Ali’s hair as she whipped her head around to face me. “Wait,” she said, a bewildered look on her face. “Do you know Heather O’Reilly?”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably another chapter tonight? Maybe? Comments are appreciated :)


	11. Moving Out and On

The next day, I called Heather, not really sure of how much I was about to tell her. It turns out that her and Ashlyn had been on the same youth national teams together, and that they were really great friends during college. Ashlyn had explained her friendship with Heather the rest of the way back from the apartment, and then even for a few minutes at the door. She spoke very highly of her, and hung her head when explaining that she had given up contact with her after she became pregnant with Leia.  I sort of remembered HAO talking about how she and the goalkeeper had always rapped in her car before every home game, but it was far too vague at the time to make the connection. 

“Ashlyn Harris  _ has a kid _ ?” she asked incredulously, a shocked look on her face to match her disbelief. “I mean, she just kind of dropped off of the face of the planet after senior year, and I almost forgot about her completely, but a kid? That’s crazy,” she finished. “How is she doing?” she asked genuinely. 

“She’s, um, she’s alright,” I said, not wanting to lie to Heather about someone that she used to be good friends with. “She’s such a great mom, Heather. And little Leia looks just like her. She works as a tattoo artist, the stuff she does is amazing. They don’t have a ton of money, but they do alright.” 

Heather nodded slowly, taking it all in. “What was she like during college?” I asked out of genuine curiosity. 

“Oh my god, that girl was my favorite. She was the life of our team, such a natural leader. She was always quiet, but was the funniest person once you got to know her. And she was such a badass goalkeeper,” she said with an emphasis in her voice. “I mean just absolutely fearless. If she had stuck around, she definitely would have given Hope a run for her money.”

I laughed, thinking about Hope having to compete with anyone. She was amazing, no one ever came close to reaching her level.

“No, I mean it Ali,” Heather said, “she was well on her way to being on the national team.” Heather’s face went serious, and I stopped laughing. Ashlyn never made it sound like she was that good. I hadn’t yet realized how much she had given up for Leia. Suddenly my respect for her was even greater. 

“Yeah, she was a total fucking badass, that’s really the only way I can describe her. I’m not sure how close you guys are, but that girl has seen shit, even back when we were on the youth teams that girl had seen way too much shit for her age. I’m really glad she’s doing alright, I was really worried about her after she disappeared. I know one of our teammates, Whitney, is down in Florida near her, she tore her ACL towards the end of senior year, and I haven’t really been in contact with her since, we were never really close anyway.” 

“Wait, she played with you guys? I actually went surfing with her the other week.” 

“Yeah! Wait, did you just say you went surfing?”

Most of the rest of our conversation was filled with HAO figuring out how in the world Ali Krieger, who had always been afraid of the ocean, went surfing (it just seemed right now that I was in Florida, plus Ashlyn and Whitney were super helpful), and how I finally got my apartment decorated (Ashlyn helped me figure out what I was going for). “Well, I’m glad you finally made a friend down there, she’s a gem so take care of her,” Heather finished our conversation with, smiling. “I’ll call you soon, okay? Love you!”

—

A week later and Leia was finally getting her cast off. “Do they seriously use a saw to get it off?” Leia asked as we ate dinner together the night before it was set to be removed. Leia’s eyes were wide and scared as she looked towards Ashlyn. In return, Ashlyn looked towards me, knowing that I would have an answer. 

“Yeah, but it’s like a mini-saw. It doesn’t even touch your skin, it really just tickles,” I answered Leia, surprised that she was scared of something. Sometimes, it seemed like she feared absolutely nothing. 

“But what if it cuts me?” I looked at her in the eye, trying to be as comforting as possible.

“It won’t. I’ve had lots of casts cut off, and never once did it hurt. Nothing bad will happen tomorrow, I promise.”    
“Can you come with us?” I knew I had the day off from work, so I looked towards Ashlyn before saying anything to Leia.

Ashlyn nodded her head, and I turned back to Leia. “Yeah, I’d love to! Maybe we can even get ice-cream afterwards to celebrate,” I said as I turned back to Leia, noticing that her eyes had lit up. 

Ashlyn just smiled at the two of us as she finished up her dinner. 

The next day Leia’s cast came off without a hitch, and the doctor told Ashlyn that everything looked just fine. Leia had two more weeks of physical therapy before she could return to soccer, and she left with just a compression bandage on her leg. 

“It feels so good to walk again!” she said with amazement in her voice. Her leg had gotten even skinnier, if possible, from the compression of the cast and low muscle tone from not using it, and I was almost worried at the prospect of her getting back to soccer. 

But Ashlyn just nodded at her and enthusiastically replied, “It’s gonna feel even better when you’re back out on the field making those saves!” I smiled, happy that Ashlyn was finally talking to Leia about soccer without being forced to. 

We went and got ice-cream, as promised, and Leia talked about school and how she thought Ashlyn was silly for letting her have the day off (“Leia, you’re six,” she had said. “You can take a day off from school honey.”). 

Later that day, Ashlyn handed me an envelope as she packed her bags to go back to the apartment. Now that Leia’s leg was pretty much healed, there wasn’t any real reason for them to stay and Ashlyn told me that they would go back the next day. Truth be told, I was a little sad as I watched them pack up. It kind of felt like a miniature version of Full House while they were there. “What’s this?” I asked, cautiously opening the envelope. Inside were a few hundred dollar bills, neatly folded. 

“I know it’s not exactly how much rent would have-”   
“Ashlyn, I can’t take this,” I said, pushing the envelope back towards her. “You need this, and it seriously hasn’t been any trouble having you guys here.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes and sighed. “Ali, take it. I need to repay you somehow.” That was the thing about Ashlyn, she was so prideful that she couldn’t just accept someone’s help without somehow repaying them. So I thought of something. 

“If you really want to repay me, I have another idea.”

—

We ended up at the tattoo shop around 8 that night. “Are you sure you want it right on your spine?” Ashlyn asked as I signed a consent form. “That’s going to hurt like a bitch,” she whispered, well aware that Leia was within earshot. 

“I’m sure,” I said, sliding the consent form back towards her. 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she said as she brought me to the back of the shop. 

“So what exactly do you want? We have time, don’t feel rushed.”

I knew exactly what I wanted. I had known from the time I first stepped foot in Florida. 

“I want waves.”

  
“Waves?” Ashlyn asked incredulously. 

“Yeah, is that okay?” I asked, suddenly second guessing myself as Ashlyn eyes went wide.

She just laughed. “No, that’s perfect.” She quickly sketched two drawings out, the first once with simplistic curves and the second one with a van Gogh’s “Starry Night” sort of aesthetic. 

“That’s beautiful,” I whispered, peering over her shoulder to see what she was drawing out. 

“The first or the second one?”

I pointed at the second one, the waves rolling into one another with a sort of blur, different shades of blue melding together. 

Before I knew it, I was lying facedown on the table, my back completely exposed as Ashlyn pressed the template onto my skin. “Do you want to check it?” she asked. 

“No, I’ll trust you,” I responded, not really wanted to get up now that I had taken my shirt off and unclasped my bra. It would have almost felt intimate, if it weren’t for the fact that a six year old was sitting in the room. 

Ashlyn was right. It hurt like absolute hell. Within the first few seconds of the gun making contact with my skin, I was already groaning in pain. “I’m sorry,” Ashlyn said, as she traced back over the bone of my spine. A single tear escaped my eye, and before I even had the chance to reach around and wipe it away, Leia had moved her chair over right beside my face and wiped it away for me. She offered me her hand, which I took out of courtesy. I didn’t want to offend her, but I didn’t squeeze it too tightly out of fear of hurting her. 

“She can take it, Al,” Ashlyn said as she paused for a moment after I had let out another cry. “She’s held the hands of huge, ripped guys that are idiotic enough to get tattoos on their skulls or eyelids, she can take you,” she finished as she started the gun up again. Leia nodded her head in acknowledgement, and I gripped her hand for real as Ashlyn traced over the same spot for a third time. 

Two hours later, and it was finished. Ashlyn took a picture on my phone before cleaning everything up and bandaging the area. “It’s so pretty Mommy,” Leia said to Ashlyn as she took a look for herself.

“Thanks baby,” she said, kissing Leia on the top of her head. “Why don’t you go say goodnight to Jenna?”

As Leia ran off, Ashlyn reclasped my bra, making sure it didn’t get caught on the bandages, and handed me my shirt. 

“Thanks,” I said as I threw my shirt over my head, only wincing slightly as I felt the raw skin stretch on my back. “So how does it look?”

“Well why don’t you see for yourself?” Ashlyn said, handing me my phone. She looked nervous, but I could tell it was only because she was waiting for my approval. Leia was right, it was so beautiful. The different shades of blue seamlessly melted together into spiraling waves up the middle section of my spine, fading out towards the ends. I was in love with it. 

“Ashlyn, this is incredible, this doesn’t even look like a tattoo, it looks like a painting,” I said, looking up from the phone. “Thank you doesn’t cover this, this is amazing.”

“I’m so glad,” Ashlyn replied, bringing me into a hug. “Thank you for everything, you’re the best kind of friend I could ever ask for.” 

  
“You are too,” I said in reply. “But you're hurting me.” Fear flashed through her eyes before she realized her hands were putting pressure right over the bandages. We both laughed before we left to catch the last bus back to my apartment in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated :)


	12. Crazy Is Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, I hope you guys like it :)

Two weeks later, the Saturday tournament got rained out. Leia was disappointed, she really wanted to go since it was the first tournament that she would be able to play in. But she settled for cuddling in bed and watching movies on my phone. 

God I had missed holding her. I hadn’t been able to for six weeks while she had the cast out of fear of hurting her. There was just something so comforting, so grounding about holding her in my arms, and smelling her hair that smelled of the strawberry-scented childrens shampoo that she used. The rain was pouring down, and everything seemed so peaceful in that moment. Leia, wearing one of my old tie-dye t-shirts that was way too big on her, the freshly washed sheets that surrounded us, the newly cleaned apartment that Jamie had helped me with, and the way that the rain made everything seem so calm. 

Well, until the power went out. I sighed, shutting off my phone in the middle of the movie we were watching. “Sorry Le, I’ve got to save my battery in case of an emergency honey,” I said as I put the phone on the ground. She nodded understandingly. “It’s okay, we can finish it another day.”

“Why don’t we take a nap?” I said as the wind suddenly picked up, making the trees outside hit our walls and windows violently. It was a typical Florida storm, but still a little bit scary none-the-less. 

We slept in peace for a few hours before Leia got up, asking if we could play a board game. I got out Monopoly, which had always been my favorite until my six year old had figured out how to beat me. I had stopped letting her win a year ago, and since then she has somehow learned how to defeat me every. Single. Time. I lit a few candles and spread them all throughout the room. We sat down and I dealt out the small, fake monopoly money. 

Half an hour later, and she already had the upper hand. “Mom, you have to stop letting me beat you,” she said as she finished a turn. I laughed at her.

“Leia Whitney Harris, I  _ promise _ I’m not letting you win, trust me when I say this isn’t good for my ego,” I said as I heard a few knocks at the door. Leia turned to me.

“Why would someone be outside right now?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulders, wondering the same exact thing. I got up and gingerly walked towards the door, my legs asleep from the awkward position I had been sitting in.

I opened my door to find a completely soaked Ali. Her thin blue t-shirt was clinging to her skin, and her shoes were completely soaked through. Her hair was dripping wet, hanging loosely over her shoulders, and I could see the raindrops falling from her eyelashes, as she just gave me a wild, helpless look. She had been crying, or was crying. I could tell my the way her eyebrows were slightly furrowed and her eyes were a little bit less bright than normal. A crack of lightning lit up the sky, and Ali flinched as I stepped outside to join her. “Hi,” she said quietly, shaking from the rain.

The rain was deafening, but I could make out her slight German mumble from anywhere. “Are you insane?” I finally asked as I closed the door behind me, not wanting Leia to be privy to whatever Ali was doing at our doorstep in the middle of a downpour. 

“Maybe,” she sort of yelled over the rain. I could see in her eyes that she was second-guessing whatever she was about to say, but then she opened her mouth again. 

“I need you guys.”

“What?” I shouted over the sound of the rain and thunder. The sky had turned a shade of black that it should never be in the middle of the afternoon. 

“I need you guys. This is so fucking dumb, but when you guys were at my apartment, Florida finally felt like home. I finally felt like I had a place where I belonged. I need Leia’s laugh, I need your voice. I need you guys.” I could tell she had started crying again, her chest was rising and falling quickly. It was a little bit hard to make out tears from rain on her cheeks, but I knew she was upset.

“I’m sorry, I sound so dumb right now, but I don’t even know what else to do,” she added, searching my face for a sign.

She looked me in the eye as the rain continued to pour down her face. By then, I was completely drenched too, and a little self-conscience of the thin white t-shirt I was wearing. But then I looked back in her eyes, and they seemed different than I had ever seen them before. They were a deep shade of brown that contrasted against the dark sky, and they were slightly squinted as the rain poured across them. But something else was different. There was something else held deep within them. 

Want. 

Before I had a chance to even begin to process everything she had just said, her lips were pressed against mine, soft and gentle as she brought her hands up to my cheeks. I would’ve liked to say I was surprised, but at that moment I knew that deep down, I wanted her too. After a few seconds of letting the rain pour over us like a baptism, she pulled away, searching in my eyes for answers, for affirmation. Before she had the chance to run, I put my thumbs under her eyes, wiping away the mixture of rain and tears that had pooled there. She looked back and forth between my eyes, and I could see her visibly relax. I pulled her closer, our lips reconnecting as another loud crack of thunder sounded over us. I caught her lips in mine over and over again. The kiss was sweet and slow, and I wanted to stay in her embrace forever. But I could feel her shivering below my fingers, and decided that it was time to get her out of the rain. “How about we head inside?” I asked, opening the door.

“Ali!” Leia shouted as she jumped up from her space on the floor to give her a hug. 

“Hi sweetheart!” Ali replied as she gingerly hugged her back, not wanting to get her wet. Ali looked so confused, like she had just been stunned or something. To be fair, I probably looked the same exact way. 

“Ali came over to visit. Do you like monopoly?” I asked, turning towards Ali. 

“It’s my favorite,” Ali replied with a reluctant smile.

After letting Ali shower to warm up and handing her one of my t-shirts and a pair of shorts, we were back on the floor playing monopoly. There was a sense of awkwardness between me and Ali, being forced to interact around Leia without first talking about what had just happened. For the first few turns, I could tell (as could Leia) that Ali was trying to let Leia win, but Ali quickly figured out that she’d be losing within minutes if she kept up her strategy. “She’s good,” I had warned her before we started playing, but Ali was just then realizing that I didn’t say it just to stroke Leia’s ego. 

Leia won. She never made a big deal out of winning, she was probably the most humble kid I had ever known, but you could tell that it gave her a sense of accomplishment. 

After dinner (which was really just cereal and milk since the power was still out), Leia yawned. I jumped at the chance to send her to bed so me and Ali could have some time to talk. 

“What time is it anyway?” Leia had asked, wanting to know if it was  _ really _ time for bed. 

“I don’t know honey, but it’s probably pretty late since it’s so dark out,” I said, hoping she wasn’t yet smart enough to realize that storms can make it pretty dark. She shrugged her shoulders, and then left me and Ali to go to bed. 

“So about that-” I started before Ali cut me off.

“I miss you,” Ali said plainly, looking down towards her hands. 

“I miss you too, Alex,” I replied, too confused and overwhelmed by everything to look towards her. 

“Do you like me?” she asked bluntly, like we were back in middle school. 

“Ali, of course I like you, how-”   
“No, like, think-we-could-be-in-a-relationship like me,” she clarified, still looking down at her hands. 

I had no words. How did Ali Krieger, a beautiful, caring, free-spirited soul want  _ me _ ?

“Alex,” I choked out, “you deserve something better than…” I struggled to find the words that I was looking for. “You deserve something better than this, Ali,” I said, gesturing towards myself then the rest of the apartment. “I have a kid. Do you realize how huge that is?” I said, really wanting her to consider how different my life was than hers.

She looked up towards the ceiling and laughed. God that laugh was beautiful. But then she became serious. “What if I told you that seeing you with Leia made me love you as a person even more? What if I told you that your courage and ability to live with your past and present demons made my respect for you grow even more? What if I told you that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out?” she said, standing up, her words getting more and more meaningful as she went on.

I stood up to meet her gaze. “I’d tell you that you’re crazy,” I said in reply to her rhetorical questions. I could see her eyes darken in defeat. She looked down towards the floor. I gently picked up her chin to look her in the eyes, wanting my next words to really resonate with her. “But crazy is good,” I finished as I closed the space between our lips once again. 

—

“I can sleep on the floor, Ash, it’s really not a big deal,” Ali said later than night. I didn’t know the time, both of our phones had died but it was well into the early morning hours. We had stayed up talking about everything and anything, about our fears and wants and desires for the future. 

“Ali, two months ago you refused to let me sleep on the floor, so I’m not about to let you,” I said in reply. I could see her eyes reeling as she searched for a solution. “Ali, it doesn’t count as sleeping together when there’s a kid in the bed,” I said, sensing why she was so worried. I could see her relax as she followed me into the bedroom. It was the tight squeeze, the three of us on the twin bed, but we managed. Leia only stirred a little bit as we got situated, and then we fell into a deep sleep, with the rain continuing to pour over us with Ali’s arm draped over my waist and both of my arms around Leia. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters in one night!? I'm feeling generous lol. Like I said before, I have most of the plot written out for this story, but I'm really flexible. How much fluff/angst do you guys want to see? I think I'm about halfway through. Comments are appreciated as always :)


	13. The Field

Ever since I had woken up on that rainy Sunday, when Ali quietly gone and a letter left on the kitchen table, I couldn’t get her out of head. The world was quiet again after the storm, and Leia was still sound asleep under my arm. I carefully got out of bed only to find the letter left on the table. My heart was in my throat as I unfolded it.

_ Dear Ashlyn _ , it had read in Ali’s loopy cursive on a piece of notebook paper. Very formal,  _ very _ Ali. 

_ Dear Ashlyn,  _

_ I’m scared. For so many different reasons, I could go on and on and on. I’m scared of hurricane season, I’m scared of another one of my girls getting hurt, I’m scared of what my brother is up to now that he’s living alone again. But mostly, I’m scared of hurting you. I’m scared of how fast I’m falling for you. I’m scared at the prospect of having to come out. I’m just really fucking scared Ash.  _

_ I don’t know how to explain this, and I’m praying that you somehow miraculously feel the same way, but ever since you came in my room and sat with me as I cried, I knew that you were going to be one of my most sincere friends. And not in the like, “we’re going to be best friends and gossip and go out and get coffee” together type friends, but the type of friend where I’d feel comfortable telling you anything. I don’t know. Like I said, I can’t explain it. I hope you get it.  _

_ I don’t know what you want. Last night was a lot. I want to be your friend. A good friend. But—and please tell me if I’m wrong Ash—but I feel like we could be something more. There’s something there. I know we have so much more to learn about each other. But I need a person. And I think you need a person. We could be each other’s people. I don’t care what kind of people, romantic, best friends, but you’re my person.  _

_ And now I’m ranting, which I have a really horrible habit of doing, so I’m going to stop. Please call me. I hope you guys have a good Sunday morning, breakfast is on me. _

_ Ali x _

There was twenty dollars enclosed, and for the first time in my life, it didn’t feel like a pity offering. I knew that she genuinely wanted me and Leia to go out and get breakfast and enjoy it. She was doing it for the right reasons. For the first time in awhile, we both ate and laughed and the world felt like it was right again. As soon as I got home, I called Ali, and we talked for hours.

Leia went out with Jamie the next weekend to go surfing with Braedyn a bit up the coast. She was so unbelievably excited to finally get back out on the water. “Jamie said he’s letting me use the big board,” she said with a devilish glint in her eye. 

“Oh did he?” I said as Jamie knocked on the door. I sighed, knowing that my girl was getting bigger and bigger every day. “Have fun, and don’t let Jamie do anything that I wouldn’t, please.” She laughed as I bent down to kiss her forehead, and then she was off. That was the first day me and Ali went back to the field. 

“Okay, I want to know everything,” Ali said once we were settled between the goalposts of the secluded field. The moon reflected off the water in the distance, and it was totally quiet with the exception of the water hitting the shore. She was leaned back against me, her head nestled on my shoulder. I laughed at her statement.

  
“Everything? Where do I start Al? My name is Ashlyn Michelle Harris, born on October 19th, 1985 in Satellite Beach Florida. Anything else you’d like to know?” I said sarcastically, my life far too convoluted to know what she wanted to know.

“I want to know about Leia,” she said quietly. “If that’s okay.”

  
I sighed as I tried to figure out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. 

“Of course. There isn’t much of a story,” I said truthfully. “It was senior year, around Janurary I think. I was absolutely drunk off of my face, and I ended up hooking up with a guy. My first and last time having sex, and I-”

“Got pregnant,” Ali finished for me, almost whispering. 

“Yeah,” I said with a quiet exhale. We sat in silence for a moment, and then I continued. “I thought about getting rid of her, like I seriously considered it.” I stopped to think about how to explain this to Ali when I couldn’t even explain it to myself. “But there was this picture in my mind, of being a better parent than my parents were to me. I went through so much shit as a kid, and somehow, the thought of giving this kid all the love that I didn’t get myself was so comforting, that I just went through with it.”

Ali nodded as she nuzzled deeper into my shoulder. “Does the guy know?” 

The truth was, I didn’t even remember what the guy’s face looked like, let alone who he was. It was a small miracle that Leia ended up looking like my clone. “No,” I said in reply. “And honestly, I’m glad that it’s like that.” 

Ali didn’t add anything else. She just reached up to kiss my cheek softly, and then returned to my shoulder. “You’re amazing,” she whispered into my shirt. I stroked her hair, trying to think of something I wanted to ask her.

“Well, now you owe me something about you,” I said, grazing my hand up and down her arm. “I want to know about soccer, I didn’t realize what a star you are,” I said, smiling. I had finally googled her the other day, and hundreds of thousands of pictures of her came up. I had always tried to avoid looking at pictures or articles of the National Team, trying to avoid thinking about what my life could have been. But the fact that it was her face above the crest that once laid on my heart made it okay. She always wore her socks above her knees with her hair up in a bun surrounded by a black headband. Her eyes were big and wild on the field, and even just looking at pictures it was obvious how much she loved it. 

She looked back up at me with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Oh, soccer. I don’t know, I wasn’t that good,” she said, her eyes falling back towards the ground, obviously trying to dismiss the subject. 

“Alex, I googled you. You are one of the best defenders in the world.”

“Were,” she said almost inaudibly. 

“Ali,” I said, trying to coax her. Something was bothering her, and I could tell. 

“I can’t even google myself anymore,” she said, her eyes staying stagnant. 

“Why?” I asked, wondering how in the world she didn’t realize her own worth. 

“Did you not read anything?” she replied, shifting forward so she could turn around to look me in the eye. And suddenly her eyes were wild again, like they always seemed to be on the field. 

“No,” I whispered. “What’s wrong Ali?” I asked, genuinely concerned as she retreated back to my shoulder.

“Nothing,” she said. “Can we talk about something else?”

The second time we went to the field, we talked about college. It was a bright afternoon, a few hours before Leia was getting out of school.  

“I committed my junior year to Penn State,” she said, picking grass as she leaned against the post opposite me. “I loved it. The campus was beautiful, and so different than Virginia. The team was full of competitors, and I loved it. I lived with two teammates freshman and sophomore year, and then I lived in the upperclassmen house for junior and senior year. I majored in advertising and public relations, so the workload wasn’t bad and I had a lot of time to train.” 

“Injuries?” I asked, curious about the scars on her legs. 

“Oh god,” she said, rolling her eyes as she leaned back on the post. She chuckled as she started explaining where the large scar on the side of her right leg had come from. “This jackass from the men’s team decided to step right on me after I had just slid for the ball,” she said, getting animated as she got pissed off about it all over again. “And it just snapped. Spiral fracture, surgery, rods, the whole nine yards,” she scoffed. “But then, it got worse,” she continued, talking about how she had pulmonary embolisms, about how she laid in the hospital fully conscious yet not knowing if she was going to live. Her boyfriend, Brent, had forced her to go to the hospital. I silently thanked him in my head. “What about you? Injuries?”

I pulled up my leggings to reveal my two acl scars in all of their glory. 

“Yikes, I had one and I thought that was bad,” Ali said, her eyes getting big.

“Yeah. I tore the first one right after I had shattered my thumb,” I said, turning my hand over so she could see that scar. “So I redshirted that year, and then as soon as I came back, it was the other one. Literally, first practice back.” I sighed, thinking about how unfair I thought life was at that time. Little did I know how unfair life could really be. “How did you tear yours?” I asked, pointing towards her knee. 

“I went to shoot and I had all of my weight on one leg, and a defender came and just completely shifted it sideways,” she said with a wince. “Olympic qualifiers, 2012.”  _ Damn _ , I thought. I tried to figure out if she had ever gotten her gold, trying to remember if they had won through all of the gibberish Leia had told me after she watched the Olympics with Whit. “Did you have anything else?” Ali asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. “It seems like you’ve hurt everything in the book,” she said, half empathetically and half sarcastically. 

I laughed at her totally true statement. “Yeah, I tore my labrum,” I replied. Ali shook her head, and then blew air out of her pursed lips, as if to signify how bad I had it during college. 

“Damn that sucks. How the hell did you get back from all of that?”

“It was either quit or keep going, but I kept at it. I had decided that I wanted to go pro, and at that point nothing was stopping me,” I said, laughing at how stubborn I was when I was younger. When I wanted something, there was no turning back.

“Yeah, Heather said you were a total kickass,” Ali quipped, smiling as she threw another piece of grass back to the ground under the bright Florida sun. 

I couldn’t believe that she and Heather had talked about me. “HAO remembers me?” I said somewhat incredulously, shocked that she would even know my name after my nearly seven year hiatus. 

“Yeah, she said you guys were BFF’s, which doesn’t really surprise me, you two seem like the type to get along,” Ali said with a smirk. I thought back to all of the stupid things me and Heather did during college, like forcing Whitney to jump a fence at the NC State Fair, rapping loudly in the car before every game (and getting a noise complaint that we completely ignored my sophomore year) and joining a rec water polo team during my rehab from the torn labrum. I loved her, but was terrified of word getting around after I left to have Leia. So I had quietly left and forgotten about her, along with basically everyone except Whitney. 

“So she made it big too then?” I asked. Ali grinned. 

“Yeah, she did.” 

The third time we went to the field, we switched our normal position and Ali held me as we talked about our brothers. Ali smiled every time she said Kyle’s name, obviously so proud to be his sister. 

“When our dad left, he was the only guy I had left in my life,” she said. “We were fifteen and sixteen, and he was just amazing. He was my best friend, and I looked up to him so damn much. People always asked if we were twins because we looked and acted like each other so much.” Then her smile quickly disappeared. “But it was around that same time that his addiction started,” she said slowly. I held my breath, thinking about my own problems growing up that I had only scratched the surface on with Ali. “It was ugly. We didn’t know about it. All we knew was that Kyle suddenly wasn’t himself. He was a shell.” 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered into the air. It was the only thing I could get out of my mouth as I thought about what my own brother could possibly be up to. 

“He finally got it together when I broke my leg. I remember he came into my room and—he couldn’t even remember my name,” Ali said, shuddering. “It was like a ghost looking back at me.”   
“What about now?” I asked as she absentmindedly twirled my hair around her finger. 

“We’re best friends. He’s my absolute everything. He went to beauty school and now he is a pretty successful hairstylist and photographer. And he thinks he’s a model,” she said laughing. I laughed with her. “No seriously, you should see his tumblr page, he really thinks he’s something.” Later that day I would google ‘Krieger model’ only to find pictures of Ali posing totally nude for ESPN, but that’s another story. “What about your brother?” 

“Um, I’m not really sure what he’s up to now,” I said truthfully. The last time I had talked to Chris was to tell him that I was pregnant all those years ago, and he was so sweet and supportive. He offered me the world, and was immediately in protective mode. But by the time I got back to Florida, his mugshot was in the weekly paper for robbery, and I had no way to contact him. Over the years, his mugshots showed up every now and then, sometimes for stealing, sometimes for drugs, sometimes for outright violence, but he had changed his number and I had no way to get in contact with him. I didn’t know if he didn’t want to talk to me out of shame, or if he had just completely forgotten about me, but by that point I didn’t have much desire to talk to him either. “But we were really close as kids,” I said, tilting my head up towards Ali. “My parents were crazy to say the least, so we stuck together. Especially when I came out, he was in full on protective big brother mode. My dad—he didn’t take it well, and he taunted me. Chris had to take him outside a few times.” I winced, thinking about the times my dad and brother would go outside to fight, only to come inside completely bloodied and either screaming at each other or not talking at all. I would lock myself in my room those days, looking out the window to the street only quickly to make sure they were both still alive. My dad knew I was gay before I knew what gay was, but when I finally said the word out loud, he lost it. My mom was indifferent, but I knew that I had made a mistake as soon as my dad threw the first punch towards my face that night. I think I was sixteen, maybe seventeen. 

“I’m sorry,” Ali whispered. She pulled me in a little closer, and kissed the top of my head. 

The fourth time we visited the field, Leia came with us. She took my place in Ali’s lap, obviously tired from her last practice of the season that she had just an hour before. “It’s way past your bedtime, but I’ll let it go this time,” I joked as Leia leaned her head against Ali’s chest, her eyes closing shut with the weight of impending sleep.    
“I’m almost seven mommy, nine isn’t that late,” she quipped. I laughed as she struggled to stay awake with me and Ali. It was amazing how comfortable she had become with Ali. Leia had always been very wary of anyone besides me, so to see her comfortably lying in Ali’s lap was special. And Ali didn’t even realize it.

The stars were clear that night, and something just felt right. My daughter laying in Ali’s lap, peacefully falling asleep, the ocean loud and unrelenting, the salt water air surrounding our silence. It felt like the world couldn’t touch the three of us.

“So how would you feel about maybe going back to Ali’s apartment for the rest of Summer?” I asked Leia, but Ali was the one whose head whipped back around. She looked shocked. She had been quietly dropping hints about how nice it would be to have me and Leia back in the apartment, but I wanted Leia close to school for the end of the year, plus it was nice to have Jamie around to help out. But I had started trusting Ali with Leia. She was my person. Between our visits to the field, we had girly nights, where the three of us would sit in Ali’s living room painting our nails and watching movies until Leia couldn’t keep her eyes open, and then sleep out on the floor with sleeping bags. Ali always seemed to somehow end up right next to me, her arm wrapped around my waist, but I never really minded. We would go for walks on the shore, where Ali would show Leia how she built sandcastles on Virginia beach when she was Leia’s age herself. The two of them would run ahead, and Leia would jump on Ali’s back as they waded in the water far further than I would have liked. But it was my two favorite people, so I wouldn’t say anything and just laugh at them. Ali’s hair would fall loose around her shoulders as the waves splashed around them, and I swear Leia’s smile was bigger and brighter than it had ever been before. We would go out for dinner after Leia’s games, and Leia and Ali would go over the play by play of every match, much to my boredom. But again, their voices kept me from ever complaining. 

So when I suggested moving back to Ali’s apartment, Ali’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you serious?” she mouthed to me so Leia couldn’t hear. I nodded my head. 

“How does that sound Le?” 

“Really good Mommy,” Leia responded, sleep heavy in her voice as she snuggled into Ali even tighter. She wouldn’t remember anything in the morning, and I knew it.  Ali leaned over to wrap me in a hug, careful not to wake up Leia. “Thank you, thank you,” Ali said, burying her head in my hair as the tears began to fall, the weight of her world beginning to shed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this entire chapter was supposed to be Ali's POV, but I accidentally started writing it in Ashlyn's voice and it was too late to go back, so it looks like you're going to have a bit of Ashlyn for awhile lol. Comments are super appreciated!!! If you have anything you want to see before this story ends, let me know :)


	14. Her People

The day Leia and Ashlyn moved back into the apartment, it felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. The weight of loneliness, the weight of silence—it felt like it completely disappeared, just as the sun disappears over the horizon. The two of them had been there before, in the room across from mine, but this time it felt different. They didn’t feel like guests, they felt like they belonged there, like it was only natural to have an almost seven year old running around my apartment. 

“She’s so excited,” Ashlyn whispered before pressing a kiss to my cheek and leaning her head on my shoulder. Leia looked out of the 12th story window, watching the waves crash in the far distance, quietly taking in the view. Her blonde hair was messily tossed over her shoulder, her wild waves seeming to become more and more like Ashlyn’s with each passing day.

After talking the week before, we had agreed that I would take Leia during the days so that Ashlyn could go work in the shop. “I want to get back in there,” she had said. “I miss it, I miss actually behind behind the gun, I miss actually being able to see people’s reactions.” So I told her that I’d take Leia, especially since my work in advertising was winding down with the season being in full swing. 

That kid quickly became my best friend.

We spent the hot summer days in my car, exploring the coast, or in my office in Orlando, or on the field playing a little bit of one on one. Leia was so mature for her age; I felt like I could tell her anything and she would somehow find a way to respond. Our favorite thing to do was go down to the library and read in a little corner dotted with chairs, but it was clear that Leia was happy doing anything as long as she had my company. 

One early morning in July, as Leia sat across my office desk sipping on iced hot-chocolate (after I had talked her out of getting my usual order of iced coffee), we started our first of many heart-to-hearts.

“Ali,” she had said, her hazel eyes scanning my face in a hazy confusion. “Why do you care about my mom so much?”

I wondered why she was asking that question. Had no one else shown this much interest in the two of them? “I love her, and I love you. That’s what friends do, we care for each other.”   
She didn’t seem satisfied with my answer. “Oh,” she replied, sounding almost a little bit disappointed. “But mommy’s other friends don’t kiss her and snuggle with her like you do.”

I almost choked on my coffee as I attempted to keep my calm composure. I honestly didn’t know how to respond at that point. While Ashlyn and I were very cognizant of the fact that we were usually in the presence of a six year old, we were definitely affectionate around Leia. I wasn’t sure how much Ashlyn had explained to Leia Leia, and I definitely didn’t want to be the one to define our relationship to her.    
“Mommy said that you guys might even get married one day, Like Aunt Whitney and Ryan.”   
_ Oh _ .

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked with a hesitant smile, closing my computer and standing up. Leia nodded her head and then bounced up, eager to get moving again.

We walked around the sunny streets of Orlando that morning, her hand in mine as I attempted to explain to her what I wanted the three of us to be. Thinking back, it was a very adult conversation, trying to explain to a child of a single parent how someone else was going to come into the picture—especially when me and Ash still had a whole lot to learn about each other. But Leia deserved an explanation, so I did my best. 

“So, yeah, I would almost be like the third part of your family,” I clarified after Leia asked if she would start getting less time with Ashlyn. It was a completely understandable fear. All Leia had ever known was it being her and Ashlyn. She didn’t have any contact with her extended family, so the idea of another person entering their little duo was intimidating. I was internally cringing as I tried to come up with the best possible way to explain that I was dating Ashlyn without it sounding like I was stealing her from Leia. 

“That makes me happy,” Leia said, her eyes quickly glancing up at me before returning to the ground as she tried to walk in patterns along the brick pathway. 

“What?” I asked, confused as to what she was referring to. 

“You being the third part of our family.”

“Why is that?” I questioned.

“Mommy is happier when you’re around. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it, but she has this thing called depression,” Leia stated, looking up to see if I knew what she was talking about before she continued. 

“Yep, I know sweetheart,” I said, squeezing her hand as a cue to continue. 

“Well, sometimes she gets really sad and angry and tired, and it makes me sad to see her like that. Most of the time I just lay down with her, she says it makes her feel better.” I smiled, thinking about how protective Leia was of Ashlyn. It was really something to see a young child protect their parent the way she did. “But ever since you became friends with her, she hasn’t really had any bad months, or weeks or days even.” I thought about it. Ash had told me what a bad swing she was in around the time Leia broke her leg, but ever since then, I couldn’t think of anything myself. I knew it wasn’t me—depression is an uncontrollable thing that has nothing to do with your surroundings and everything to do with the chemicals in your brain. But the fact that Leia thought it had something to do with me made me a little teary eyed. I pulled her aside to sit on a bench, taking a break from walking in the burning Florida sun. 

“I don’t think it was me Leia,” I said, shaking my head. “Nothing is ever going to magically make that go away, but I do think that you’re a big help to her. You always know how to make her feel better,” I whispered to her as I put my hand on her knee. 

Her hazel eyes quickly darted up to meet mine. “I disagree,” she said like a little adult. I raised my eyebrows in question, beckoning for an explanation. “She always says ‘people need people’, that you can’t get through things alone. But she’s never had people. She has me, and Aunt Whitney, and Jamie. Aunt Whitney is her best friend, but she doesn’t like her to worry about us so she never really tells her anything bad until it gets  _ really _ bad. I think the reason I was with Aunt Whit last summer was because Mommy’s depression got really bad, but she won’t tell me. Jamie her good friend too, but my mom is always afraid of disappointing him. And she has me, but I’m scared of making her even sadder, so I never really know what to do,” she said, looking towards the ground as her face fell. “And sometimes I feel really bad about it,” she whispered almost inaudibly.

“Oh, sweetheart,” I said gently as I scooted closer to her and wrapped her in my arms. “Don’t cry, don’t cry.”

“I just want her to feel better, and I thought that you were making her depression go away,” she said as her voice broke. Tears quietly escaped her eyes as she held onto me tighter. I never really knew how much it affected Leia. Hell, I don’t even think Ashlyn knew how much it affected Leia. “It makes me sad when she’s sad. Sometimes I think she forgets how to talk, and I’m scared that one day she’ll forget and she won’t ever remember again.” My heart absolutely shattered, and all I wanted to do in that moment was hold her until everything in her world was fixed. 

“How about we go back to the car?” She nodded and I motioned for her to hop on my back. She rested her head on my shoulder on the two block walk to the car, trying to suppress her uneven breathing as best as she could. Just like Ashlyn, she hated people seeing her cry. 

When we got back into the car, I settled her into the back seat before starting the car and going back to jump in the seat next to her. 

We sat in silence before I finally found some words. “My brother has depression just like your mom,” I said, trying to start an honest conversation with her. 

“Really?” she said, her eyes turning towards me. I nodded my head. 

“Yep. And sometimes, it’s really scary. Just like you said, I’m scared that one day he’ll fall into it and he’ll never come back out.”

Leia’s eyes were staring down at her hands as she tried to think her way through what I was telling her. 

“It’s totally fine and normal to be scared Leia, but I hope you know that you will never,  _ ever _ make your mom sadder. It’s impossible. You are the best thing in your mom’s life, she tells me that every single day.” Leia looked up at me. Her cheeks were tear-stained, and her eyes were skeptical and filled with hurt, but she let me continue. “We are her people, right? So we’ve always got to be by her side, even when it seems like she isn’t herself. I know that things have been good for awhile now, but as much as it isn’t fair, we’ve got to accept the fact that depression doesn’t just go away. But the good news for your mom is we aren’t going away either. Right?”

Leia nodded her head in agreement. I handed her a napkin from the cup holder in the front seat, the closest thing to a tissue I could find. “So you’re not going to leave, ever?”

“That’s definitely not in the plans, no honey,” I said, stroking her hair as she continued to calm down. 

“So you want to get married too?” 

I laughed at the bluntness of the question—it wasn’t even something that me and Ashlyn had discussed—but I nodded my head anyway. “Yes. If everything goes to plan, I want to be with both of you forever.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes as I hugged Leia tightly, remembering my own fears as a kid. I remembered when dad left, and how I watched my mom slowly deteriorate. I was fifteen. So I couldn’t even imagine being a six year old and not knowing how to help my own mom. The feelings of helplessness I experienced during that time were absolutely devastating, and it made my heart hurt for Leia even more. In a moment of spontaneity, I pulled back and looked Leia in the eyes. “Have you ever been to Disney World?”

—

“You  _ what _ ?” Ashlyn asked later that night as I carried a sleeping Leia over my shoulder into the living room. I texted Ashlyn that we were having a girls night out and that we would be home around 11, hoping that she wouldn’t ask any further questions. She didn’t, only sending back a quick ‘ _ Okay! Hope you guys have fun :) _ ’.

“Quiet, she’s sleeping!” I quietly quipped back as I walked into their room to lay Leia down on the bed. I softly kissed Leia’s forehead before shutting the door behind me to join Ashlyn on the couch. I settled into her arms and pecked her lips before answering her original question. “I said we went to the Magic Kingdom.”   
“Alex, I told her Disney wasn’t real! I told her that that’s where the princesses live but ordinary people don’t actually go there,” she said, her eyes wild and filled with disbelief.

“It’s fine! It made it even more special when she first saw the castle, it made my heart happy,” I said with a genuine smile. 

“How much did it cost?” Ashlyn asked, her voice still filled with concern.

“Ash, stop. It doesn’t matter. Let’s be real, I needed an excuse to go back there. Today was priceless,” I said as I traced up and down the tattoo’s on her arm, a movement that seemed to calm both of us at any given moment. 

“Was she any trouble?”

I scoffed. Was Leia Harris any ever trouble?

_ “Are we allowed to go on those?” Leia asked, pointing towards the rides.  _

_ “Yeah!” I said excitedly, probably more excited than she was to go back on some of my childhood favorites.  _

_ We started with It’s a Small World. I held Leia tight on our little boat as we ventured our way through miniature river. Her eyes were filled with wonder as she pointed towards all of the colorful parts of the ride, telling me her favorite parts of the different countries as we moved along. When we were finished, we stopped in the small gift shop off to the side and I let her pick out a pin lanyard. “What are they for?” she asked curiously, looking at all of the different options.  _

_ “You collect pins every time you come here, and you can put them on here. Every time we came here when I was little, I’d get one of these and fill it up with pins, and then you can trade them with people. I think I even brought mine to Orlando, maybe we can trade some when we get home!” _

_ She nodded her head in understanding as she picked out a light blue lanyard. “It’s like the Pride blue,” she said, following it up with an explanation of how she liked purple, but it was just too girly to be her favorite color. It seemed that ever since she had started coming into the office with me, her favorite colors had become blue and purple, which I couldn’t particularly blame her for considering the office was absolutely covered in the two colors.  _

_ Throughout the day, she got five pins. One from It’s a Small World, one from Space Mountain (which was, to me, surprisingly her favorite ride considering I was too afraid to ride it as a kid and the fact that she was barely tall enough to ride), one in the shape of Cinderella’s castle, one of Mickey Mouse with a soccer ball, and a limited edition Orlando Pride pin.  _

_ “You can’t ever get yourself away from soccer, can you?” I asked in a sarcastic voice. She giggled and shook her head no as she pinned on the last of her pins, insisting that she do it herself after I had managed to stab my own finger with the back of one of them. “It’s not your fault, I have smaller fingers, it’ll be easier, I promise. I don’t want you to get hurt again,” she had said as she took the pins from my hand. She was always so thoughtful. She never wanted anyone to feel bad, and she never wanted anyone to get hurt. Her age and maturity never failed to amaze me.  _

_ We stayed late for the fireworks, and she sat in my lap as we both ate multicolored popsicles, my favorite Disney treat growing up. I could see that she was getting tired, but the seemingly endless array of fireworks somehow managed to keep her eyes open and focused.  _

_ We got on the very last monorail back to the parking lot, and she grabbed onto my neck as I held her. I was afraid of her getting lost in the huge crowd, so the entire day she was either on my back or walking hand in hand with me. Even though she was getting older, she was still way smaller than most kids her age. “Thank you for showing me Disney is real. Can we bring my mom next time? She would like it here,” she said in a tired voice as her head began to fall on my shoulder. I laughed as I placed my hand on the back of her head like one would with a small child.  _

_ “Of course she’s coming with us next time, she won’t believe it when we tell her this is real!” _

_ She smiled as she nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck. “I love you Ali.” _

“Oh yeah, she burned the entire place down and then ran off,” I said in an overly sarcastic voice. Now it was Ashlyn who was scoffing. “Of course she wasn’t any trouble!” I said, turning back around to quickly kiss Ashlyn again before settling back into the comfort of her arms. “She’s an absolute angel,” I told her with a sincere voice. “We had a really good day, I promised her that you’re coming along next time.”   
“Oh, next time huh?”

I thought for a second before making my next move.  _ Well here goes nothing _ . “Well yeah, considering that she told me you want to marry me I figure there will probably be a next time.”   
I could feel Ashlyn’s breath catch in her chest and her face turn red as I turned around to meet her glance.

“Oh my god, Ali, I’m going to kill her, I’m so-”   
“I told her I want to marry you too someday.” 

Ashlyn’s face softened, but then quickly turned to an expression of confusion and anxiety as she tried to come up with words.

“I-”

I quickly cut her off my pressing my lips against hers and intertwining our fingers. I turned around to straddle her waist before pressing her hands above her head on the couch. I gently captured her bottom lip in between mine several times before carefully swiping my tongue across hers. I could feel her smiling into the kiss as she finally was able to mumble out the words “I love you”. After everything registered, I pulled back with our hands still connected and searched her face for affirmation. She was smiling a real smile that reached her eyes, and the dimple on her cheek was on full display. All I could do was smile back before saying “I love you too” and reconnecting our lips again. 

—

Me and Leia’s birthday fell on a Friday, and the day was bright and beautiful and everything that a late July day should be. “Happy birthday, my loves,” I heard Ashlyn say early that morning before pressing a kiss to each of our foreheads. The night before we had agreed on having one of our “old fashioned” movie nights (as if those nights were years and not months ago). Me and Leia had fallen asleep in one sleeping bag after she insisted I come join her because her bag was warmer and I had kept complaining that I was cold. We were watching the newer “The Parent Trap” after Ashlyn admitted that she had never seen it because she loved the old version so much. It turned out to be a hit with both of them, and we all fell asleep on the floor before we even got a chance to turn the lights out. 

“Wake up, it’s time for presents,” Ashlyn said in a voice that was far too chirpy for my liking at 7 in the morning. Leia groggily stirred before opening her eyes. “C’mon my big seven year old,” Ashlyn said as she grabbed Leia’s hands to help her to her feet. I smiled and then followed Ashlyn, who held a half-awake Leia on her hip. 

Well, half awake before she saw her present that was hidden away in their room. “Okay, so I couldn’t wrap them,” Ashlyn had said, crouching down to Leia’s height, “but both of your presents are behind the door, so just pretend that the door is like wrapping paper, okay?” 

Leia smiled before grabbing my hand to put it on the door with hers. 

“We have to do it together,” she said, before slowly turning the knob. 

Behind the door, two beautiful surfboards were leaned against the wall next to the bed. The larger one was white and accented with pink hawaiian flowers, while the smaller one was similar, but a light blue accented with white flowers. Leia looked up at Ashlyn with a beaming smile before jumping into her arms, holding onto her so tight that I was afraid she might actually be hurting her. Ashlyn’s face was glowing as she smiled back at Leia. It was the most beautiful sight—the two of them still in their pajamas, all smiles and messy blonde hair that seemed to tangle together and bright hazel eyes. Leia pulled away as she wiped tears of happiness from her cheeks. She giggled before pulling in Ashlyn for another hug. “Happy birthday baby, it’s going to be a little bit big for a while but I know you can handle it.” She let Leia jump back down to let her get a closer look at her board before making her way over to me. 

“So if you’re planning on joining our crew you are definitely going to require a board,” she said jokingly, nudging my arm before engulfing me in a hug. “Happy birthday, I love you,” she said quietly into my ear before planting a chaste kiss on my lips. “And I have a few more surprises, you’re going to need to get packing,” she said with a smirk before shimmying across the room to catch up with Leia. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! I really appreciate it!  
> So a few things:
> 
> 1.) I finally made a uswnt tumblr so if you want to follow me or ask me things that would be cool, I'll follow back :) @tellhimisaidwhatsup  
> 2.) I'm trying to decide if I want to start another fic after this one or finish "A Language All Our Own" so if you guys could check that out and let me know if its worth finishing that would be great!!!  
> 3.) Please keep leaving comments, they encourage me to keep writing! :) You guys are the best!


	15. New Beginnings: Part 2

I was in love with Alexandra Krieger. The girl who screamed at me in the hospital all of those months ago turned out to be the sweetest soul I had ever met. And it terrified me. I was scared. Really scared. For her, mostly. Maybe even a little bit scared for Leia. I was scared of her running when she finally saw my ugly side for herself. I was scared of relapsing, even though I was doing my best to stay away from anything that would trigger it. I was scared for Ali, after the nights she would spend crying after trying to work up the nerve to call her mom and tell her everything. I was scared that she would break, even with her strong exterior. I would hold her those nights as she cried and whispered soft apologies in my ear. “I’m so sorry Ashlyn, it’s not you, I’m just so afraid of telling her. I don’t want to mess anything up.” I would just kiss her tears and whisper sweet nothings in return. 

I had never really had to come out to anyone in my adult life. After I came out to my family, everyone else just kind of knew. It was the most relieving feeling, to know that people saw me in my entirety and loved me anyway. I felt like I belonged for once, like I had a family in the LGBTQ community. The only thing about me that ever threw people off was Leia, but it wasn’t like there were ever a lot of people that I needed to share my personal life with anyway. 

So trying to imagine the fear Ali was going through was difficult. I almost felt bad that I didn’t share that pain and fear and anxiety with her. She was this huge star who thousands of young girls adored, and so she reasonably feared disappointing people. She feared people thinking that she was living a lie all of those years. She feared her perfect image being tarnished over something she couldn’t control. 

And most of all, it seemed, she feared hurting me. 

So when she reached for my hand as we sat out on the beach just past her apartment, it threw me off a little bit. 

“What?” she asked incredulously after I raised my eyebrows in question. 

“Are you sure?” I asked quietly. She never showed any affection in public, and understandably so. It never really upset me, just being in her company was always enough to keep me happy.

She only squeezed it in return after Leia came running back from the water, her large board tucked awkwardly under her arm. This was the first trip that I was letting her go in alone even though I knew Jamie had let her plenty of times, against my wishes. “How is she going to feel if I let Braedyn go alone but I won’t let her?” Jamie had asked. She was tiny, but she was very skilled and careful so I finally had gotten up the courage to trust her. 

“When are you getting in Ali?” Leia asked as she flopped down next to me to get a drink from her water bottle. 

Ali laughed. “When one of you surfer chicks can help me remember how to do it!” I smiled at Ali. Even after growing up near Virginia beach, she still struggled to ever get up and  _ stay _ up on a board. 

“Alright, let’s go!” I said, getting up from the hot, white sand. But Leia waved me off, taking Ali’s hands in hers and pulling her up to her feet. 

“I got it, Mom.” Me and Ali laughed at her bluntness. Ali just shrugged as she grabbed her board. Leia was a leader, and we both knew it. Many times I thought about what a power struggle I would have with Leia once she got older, but I knew that she only wanted the best for me.

Leia tried to run off with Ali before I could catch her without her lifejacket; she was a great swimmer, and I was okay with her going in the water without a lifejacket when she had a board to grab attached to her ankle that she could grab onto, but I still refused to let her swim without one, much to her dislike. 

“Lifejacket, Le!” I shouted before her feet even hit the water. I could see her freeze before she turned around with a pout on her face. 

“I’m seven now mom, I can go in the water by myself.”

“Yep, you’re seven and 43 pounds of absolutely nothing, when you hit 80 then maybe we can talk.” She rolled her eyes before closing the buckles on the front. “Love you mean it,” I said as I bent down to give her a kiss. “Now go show Ali how surf like us!”

I could see Ali smiling as Leia ran to catch up with her. Ali grabbed her hand before they disappeared into the water.

—

As per tradition, Leia went to Jamie’s for a sleepover with Braedyn. It had started when they were four, that on their birthdays they would have a sleepover, and it just kind of stuck. It was something that they both looked forward to and it gave them a chance to exchange presents with each other. Braedyn’s birthday fell in the winter, so it was a perfect twice-a-year tradition. After we left Jamie’s, Ali looked at me with a curiosity in her eye. “So what exactly did I pack a bag for?” 

“Well here are the directions, I was kind of hoping that you could drive,” I replied, handing her my phone that had maps pulled up. She smirked as we got in her car. 

“So are you going to tell me where we’re going, or?”

“Siri will lead you there,” I said, laughing. “Just go with it Al.”

She rolled her eyes as she put the car in reverse and headed out onto the highway. 

That day the first time I realized how much I loved road trips with Ali. I loved the way she turned up the radio and loudly sang along when a song she liked came on, I loved the way she’d quickly look up from the road to look at me and laugh, her nose and eyes crinkled with joy. I loved the way she’d reach over to grab my hand. And most of all, I loved sitting in the comfortable silence with her, knowing that no words could create the same atmosphere that we happily sat in. 

“Ashlyn, where are we going?” she asked once again once the highway rose above the crashing waves of the ocean. I simply shrugged my shoulders in reply and smiled at her. It was well past midnight at that point, and I could tell she was anxious to see where we were headed.

“We’re almost there, I promise,” I said, reaching over the console to kiss her cheek. She let out a sigh and I could feel her smile radiating, even in the darkness.

When I had booked the resort in the Keys, I had no clue what I was doing. I had never stayed in a nice hotel, let alone book one. I could tell Jenna was curious as to why I was doing so many pieces myself lately. “So what are you saving up for?” she asked one night as we closed up the shop.

“None of your business.” I wiggled my eyebrows and quickly returned to wiping the counter-top. 

“So, all of this extra money you’re making doesn’t have anything to do with a certain brunette girl?”

  
I rolled my eyes. As much as I wanted to admit everything to Jenna, I knew she’d worry about me. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.” I returned the cleaner to its spot under the counter. “Do you by any chance know any nice places to stay in the Keys though?”

When we finally reached our destination, the resort was gorgeous, just as Jenna had promised. It was a large, Spanish style building, surrounded by palm trees and flowers. Ali’s mouth was agape as she pulled into the spot just in front of the entrance. A valet worked approached the car as Ali turned to me. “Seriously?”

  
“Happy birthday, babe,” I said, pulling her hand to my mouth to plant a small kiss on it. The valet worker got our few bags on a trolley, and Ali’s car was whisked away as we checked into the resort. 

When we got into the room, Ali beamed. “Ash, how much was—”

“I didn’t get to ask questions when you took Leia to Disney, you don’t get to ask questions now.”

“This is a little more than Disney, Ash.” Ali opened up the sliding door to the balcony, and gasped as she took a step outside. “God, this is beautiful,” she said after a few minutes as I wrapped my arms around her from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder. 

We were overlooking a bay, with clear blue-green water that we’d get a better look at in the morning. The sky was clear and the moon was bright, perfectly reflecting against the glassy water. Palm trees swayed, and a warm breeze made stray pieces of Ali’s hair blow out of her bun. Ali smiled before turning around to kiss me, her hands holding onto my waist as her lips ghosted over mine. “Thank you Ash.”

All I could do was smile at the beautiful, brown eyed girl in front of me. “Let’s get some sleep, we have a lot to do this weekend.”

  
The next day, I woke up to Ali’s lips on mine as the alarm I had set on my phone went off. “Wake up, sleepy-head,” she said, brushing hair out of my face. I kissed her quickly before making my way to the vanity to brush my teeth. For those two minutes, I watched Ali sitting in bed, smiling stupidly at her phone through the mirror. 

God, she was beautiful, even with her messy morning hair and tired eyes. “What are you smiling at?” I asked Ali as I placed my toothbrush back in the cup. 

“I’m texting Heather. She thinks that it’s pretty funny her past and present best-friends are dating.”

The first thing I think about is how Heather called me a best-friend. She  _ was _ my best-friend in college, looking back at it, but at my younger age, I had a funny way of thinking that people somehow cared less about me than I cared about them.

But then it hit me.

  
“You came out to Heather?”

Ali bit her lip, and then nodded her head, her eyes searching my face for a response. 

“Oh my god, Alex, that’s huge,” I said, sitting down next to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “How did it go?”

Ali takes a deep breath in before closing her eyes and smiling. “Good. Really good Ash. Like, I knew she wouldn’t care and that she’d be behind me 100 percent, but just saying it to someone else feels, really, um…” Her voice trailed off.

  
“Relieving?”

  
Ali smiled. “Relieving. I feel relieved. I pecked her cheek before standing up. I grabbed her hands to pull her up with me, and walked over to my suitcase to get my stuff for the day. 

“You should probably wear a bathing suit, maybe even a tank top to protect that fragile northern skin of yours,” I said with a smirk. 

Ali feigned hurt. “I’m tanner than you!”

“Not when all your tanner wears off!” Ali scoffed before getting ready for the day. 

—

“This is perfect,” Ali said as soon as we got to the bay where we would spend the day paddle boarding. “No waves to push me over.”

  
I smiled. “I thought you might like it.” 

Ali was in a royal blue bikini and it was the first time I ever really looked at her body. I had seen her in a bikini plenty of times from all of our little surfing trips, but most of the time I was more concerned with making sure Leia didn’t do anything risky to really look at Ali. Hell, I had seen her  _ nude _ in the Sports Illustrated shoot but only quickly, and I had assumed that all of the muscle on her was photoshopped. 

  
I was wrong. 

  
Ali was absolute solid muscle, her stomach imprinted with lines tracing her abs. You could see every individual muscle in her thighs and calves, almost like she was a real life model of one of those body-diagrams you’d see in a doctor's office.

I wore my standard black Nike bikini, and I could see Ali staring as we were handed our boards on the beach. “Something you’d like to share?” I asked when I caught her glance. 

“Nope, nope, just grabbing my board,” she said with a laugh as she got her board out of the sand. 

After a quick safety speech and a lesson on how to get up on the board and paddle from an instructor, we were off. I had paddle-boarded plenty of times, but it felt weird gliding over the crystal clear water, almost like I would fall in. And it felt different having someone I loved next to me the whole time.

We laughed the whole day, cackling when one of us would lose our balance, or when Ali would try to come up with new ideas for the Olympic Games (“It’s like fencing, except you’re on a board in the water and you go until someone falls off”). 

As the sun started to set in the horizon a half-hour before we had to return the boards, we just sat down on them. 

  
“Oh my god, look.” Ali pointed out in the distance where a pod of dolphins was jumping through the water. I didn’t to ruin her child-like awe by telling her that there were dolphins (and sharks) all around Florida, so I went along with it. 

“That’s amazing, Al.” I grabbed her hand, and she tugged our boards closer together until she was close enough to lean her head against my shoulder as we watched the sun disappear over the horizon. 

“I hope you’re not tired,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “We have more to do tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for the comments and kudos, it means a lot! Here is a little update. I am also starting a new fic called "Elsewhere", so if you guys want to check that out and leave your thoughts on that I'd appreciate it :) http://archiveofourown.org/works/6965560/chapters/15880123
> 
> Also, for anyone interested, I decided that I am going to rewrite what I have of "A Language All Our Own" and then republish it chapter by chapter once I am done with both this fic and "Elsewhere."
> 
> Comments are appreciated as usual! :)


	16. Blur

Ashlyn Michelle Harris was a mystery to me. A beautiful, blonde, bright-eyed, mystery. She was vibrant, and smart, and kind, and thoughtful. I knew so much about her, yet so little. She was so gentle and caring and loving, but there was something that was holding her back from receiving that same care and love herself that became increasingly evident as time went on. 

I was fortunate enough to not have to ever face mental illness. I was fortunate enough to never face addiction, let alone withdrawal. During my teenage years, it pained me to watch my brother, my biggest hero dissipate into a shell of himself as the alcohol washed through his veins. It pained me to watch him lay in his bed weeks on end, his eyes completely devoid of any emotion. Honestly, looking back, I was almost  _ thankful _ for his bouts of depression, because for me—and maybe even for him—it was far easier than the torment he experienced when he felt too much all at once. It pained me to watch him stand over me as I sat on what I thought was my death-bed. Kyle was unable to remember my name. It pained me even more when he snapped out of it the next day and cried and cried as I held him, telling him that I wasn’t mad at him, that I understood. The truth was that I didn’t understand, and that I never really would.

And I think that’s why Ashlyn terrified me. She was quieter than my brother, more reserved. She was good at holding back emotions, which she probably had a lot of practice with considering she had a young child by her side almost 24/7. She would become silent only to be in a fit of laughter a minute later. I really wanted to think that I wouldn’t run when things got ugly with her. I wanted to believe that I would be her saving grace and protect her from the world. But at that time, I wasn’t really sure of how I would react. All I knew was that beyond those sweet, hazel eyes, there was torment and uneasiness circling around her head. 

“You okay?” I asked, reaching for Ashlyn’s hand across the candle-lit table. Ashlyn had booked a nice restaurant just off the water for the night, and we were completely secluded where we sat. 

“Yeah, of course! Just thinking.” Her lips pursed into a smile as she squeezed my hand before turning back to the menu. Her hair was down in loose waves, the blonde contrasting her white oxford shirt. 

“Okay.” I smiled before turning back to my menu too. 

Over dinner we talked and laughed, and I got lost in Ashlyn’s face as she told animated stories about her childhood. She made the craziest facial expressions, each of which I immediately fell in love with. 

“Did I ever tell you about the time I stitched my own chin up?”

“What?”

“I was at the skate park, and I just missed the ramp and sliced my chin open. I was trying to do something that I was way too small to do. Honestly, all of my skating accidents are probably why I’m afraid of Leia being on boards,” she said with a laugh. “I was way too full of pride to tell my brother that I hurt myself, so I went home, and, you know,” she said, pointing towards her chin. 

“No scar?” I asked incredulously. 

Ashlyn tilted her head up, and sure enough, there was a scar running perfectly along the curve of her chin, blending in with the shadow of her jawline. In reality, it was a perfect metaphor for her life—the way she hurt, but refused to let others help her out of pride. The way that the hurt so perfectly blended into her life that it became hard to notice from the outside. 

Later, long after we were done with our food and the small bottle of wine was running low, I finally got up the courage to dig a little deeper into the mystery of who Ashlyn Harris was. 

“Remember that night that you came into my room and calmed me down when you first got to my apartment?” 

Ashlyn gulped then nodded, her face becoming solemn. The sun had set and a breeze was working its way down the coast. Ashlyn raised her glass of water to her lips before setting it down again. 

“Remember you told me that people need other people?” Ashlyn nodded again. “Why do you refuse to let people in?”

Ashlyn looked almost hurt for a second, like a weight had been placed on her chest and she couldn’t breathe. I instinctively reached for her hand and stroked my thumb across it. “I’m sorry Ash. I didn’t mean to sound mean, I was just—”

“No, it’s a fair question.” Ashlyn bit her lip and looked me in the eye, as if I could provide her with the answers. I gently nodded, encouraging her to elaborate. “I don’t know. I feel like I have this great life, right? I’m healthy, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a few people mean the world to me and I mean the world to them. But there’s this blur, and this blur has been there since my parents started fighting.” A single tear began to roll down Ashlyn’s cheek before she quickly caught it with the back of her hand. “Sorry,” she said, inhaling deeply and laughing nervously. 

“No, you’re fine sweetheart. It’s okay.” I scooted my chair around the table so that I was closer to her, and wrapped my arm around her. Our romantic first “real” date had quickly gotten emotional, and for a second I regretted bringing up anything at all. 

Ashlyn hesitated before continuing. “So I feel like I’m the only one that has this blur over their life, and that no one else could possibly understand this blur. Yet it’s a scientific fact that thousands of millions of people do, so it’s a pretty dumb way of thinking. Sometimes the blur is heavy, and I can’t see anything through it, and sometimes, it's almost clear, and I can see everything perfectly.” I nodded and squeezed her hand before planting a kiss on her cheek, silently giving her the affirmation she needed to continue. “Like I said, when the blur is bad, I feel like I can’t see anything. I forget that there are people around to help me because it’s almost like I can’t see them, and so I just instinctively reach for things I shouldn’t. Whatever I can get my hands on. Sometimes I wander to places I shouldn’t. There’s all sorts of crazy stuff you do when you can’t see or feel the world around you. But when the blur is gone, I feel like I forget it was ever there to begin with, so I don’t worry about it and I don’t tell anyone about it. Sometimes I even think I’m just making it up.” 

A blur. The exact word Kyle had used to describe his depression when he was first sober enough to have a real conversation with me. 

“You’re not making it up Ash.” We sat in a tight embrace for what was probably a few minutes before she gently pulled back and looked me in the eye. 

“You know Leia can see it too.”   


“What?”

“The blur. Leia can see it too. She worries about you Ash,” I said gently, her hands still interlocked with mine. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes before I brushed them away. “I know that there’s no way for me to understand your life. And unfortunately, that’s probably always going to be true. But the next time the blur gets bad, I’m going to be here to grab your hand and guide you.”

I said it in such an affirmative voice that it even surprised me a little bit. Suddenly, my understanding of Ashlyn was greatly improved, and I felt like she had let me into the little world that lived inside of her head. 

“You’re my person,” I continued, “and I’m going to fight like hell to get you through the next blur, and the one after that, and every single one that happens in your lifetime. And I know Leia is too.”

Ashlyn quietly wrapped her hands behind my neck and her gaze shifted between my eyes before she whispered the words “I love you” and gently kissed me in the evening breeze. 

The short walk back to the resort felt different, like we had somehow grown infinitely closer in the span of two hours. I was holding hands with a beautiful girl against a beautiful background. The air was filled with the sounds of birds and frogs and crickets, and the water was shining with the reflection of the moonlight. Ashlyn looked lighter and her eyes looked brighter than they had ever looked before. Her smile was radiant, even as she pushed me into the back of the door of our room as soon as we got in. 

“I love you,” she whispered over and over again as her lips first grazed over mine gentle and soothing, and then fast and rough. She whispered the three words again as she kissed my neck, sucking and biting all the way down to my collarbone. My hands gently grazed down her back as she continued, and all I could do was throw my head back as she gently picked me up and reconnected her lips with mine. 

My legs were wrapped around her waist as we continued to kiss each other, our tongues dancing in circles around one another. She carefully laid me down on the bed before smiling and laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, a smirk on my face as she looked down at me from above. Her eyes were creased with joy and her tongue poked out between her teeth as she smiled. 

“Nothing. You’re beautiful, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.” With that, she kissed me on the forehead before returning to my lips. Her hand reached under my shirt and her gently raked over my stomach before reaching my breast. She softly massaged it as she continued to kiss me, and she tugged at my shirt before I sat up and raised my arms above my head. She carefully tugged it over me, and I threw it to the side before quickly unbuttoning her oxford. With new skin exposed, I quickly moved to kiss her neck, biting and sucking hard enough to know I was going to leave a mark, but the adrenaline led me to not care. I pushed her down on the bed as I returned to her lips. I had to take a sharp intake of air to keep up with my lungs that were screaming for air. 

I carefully moved my hand under her bra before removing the bra completely, leaving her breasts exposed. I quickly kissed her lips one last time before leaving a trail of kisses down her neck, chest, and stomach. I kissed the scar on her hip from her torn labrum, then the stretch marks on her defined stomach that were surely a result of Leia. I tugged on the waistband of her tight-fit jeans before moving back up to her lips. 

“Alex,” she said in between sharp intakes of breath. “I’ve—I’ve never done this before.” Her eyes were big and concerned. It had never occurred to me that Ashlyn might be inexperienced in this department. With her looks, I had always quietly assumed that Ashlyn had been with at least a few girls either in college or after Leia was born. But like many assumptions I initially had about Ashlyn, I was wrong. 

“Well, it looks like this will be a fun night of learning for both of us then,” I said before pecking her lips and tugging her pants off.

—

The next morning I woke up to the feeling of Ashlyn stroking my hair. I stirred before she leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. “Good morning beautiful.”  
I closed my eyes and smiled. Ashlyn was the beautiful one, her bright blonde hair falling over her shoulders and the white sheets tangled around her torso. Her eyes reflected the sunlight coming in from the window, and her smile was small and sweet and filled with early-morning sleepiness. “Good morning to you too,” I said with a slight giggle before pecking her lips. I shifted myself so that my head was resting on her bare chest, and traced the tattoos that covered her side with my finger. She was still laced with sleep, and I could see her eyes drifting in and out of consciousness in the orange light of the sunrise. 

It was in that moment I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life waking up with this girl. Waking up to hazel eyes and lazy smiles, and blonde hair sprawled about my pillow. Waking up with her beautiful, loving daughter, her pride and joy.

I knew I wanted her forever when she grabbed my hand after we had successfully paddled out through the clear blue waves of the water on rented surfboards early that morning, before anyone else was out on the water. “You did it,” Ashlyn said, squeezing my hand with a radiant smile on her face. Her bun was messy and haphazard, soaked with saltwater, but she was still the most beautiful sight in my eyes. 

I knew I wanted her forever when she left a “tip” for the young boy, probably about Leia’s age, helping his parents, the owners of the restaurant we were at. He would fill the drinks for customers around the restaurant, and his dad would pat his head in pride as he politely went from table to table asking if anyone needed anything. As we walked out, I saw the young boys eyes fill with joy as his dad explained to him that the small tip two-dollar tip that Ashlyn had left in addition to the real tip was for him. The father smiled and nodded at me before Ashlyn pulled me out of the restaurant by my hand. “You’re beautiful,” she said, bringing my hand to her lips before skipping off ahead of me like a young child. 

I knew I wanted her forever when we laid on a blanket under the stars on the beach that evening. The night was quiet and the air was cool as she curled into my side, kissing the shell of my ear. “I love you,” I whispered inaudibly as she pointed out constellations. I wanted to listen to what she was saying, I really did, but I was too preoccupied with looking at the way her eyes shone in the reflection of the moonlight to listen to the astrology lesson she was giving me. 

—

A month later, and summer was winding down. The nights were getting cooler, and Ashlyn and Leia’s hair got a shade darker. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a big second-grader,” Ashlyn said, kissing the top of Leia’s head as she organized her notebooks in her new backpack that looked to be almost the same size as her. School wasn’t set to start for another three weeks, but Leia was so excited to get back at it. She had been doing math workbooks all summer, and was so excited to show off her new-found skill of multiplying and dividing, something you weren’t supposed to learn until  _ third _ grade, she had told me and Ashlyn one night over dinner. 

One night, long after Leia had gone to bed, me and Ashlyn sat at the kitchen table, content with silence and each other’s company. Ashlyn was working on a beautiful sketch of a garden that she was going to do on a sleeve that a customer had requested, and I was busy researching potential schedules for the upcoming NWSL playoffs that would be happening in late September. A text from HAO popped up above the website I was looking at.  _ Have you talked to Ashlyn yet? _

There was a national team game in Georgia happening in a week, and Heather had been begging me to let her stop by Florida so she could come visit with me, Ashlyn, and Leia. I had been putting off bringing it up to Ashlyn, worried that she would freak out at the prospect of seeing someone from her past. But it was now or never, and I decided to bite the bullet. 

“Ash?”

“Mm,” Ashlyn replied, her tongue slightly sticking out as she concentrated on her sketch. 

“There’s a national team game happening next week in Georgia.” Ashlyn gently put down her pencil and looked up. 

“Really? Are you going?”

“Yeah.” 

“Maybe you could take Leia? I mean, if you don’t mind. I’m just not really up for it, and I know it would mean the world to her.”

I bit my lip. “Yeah, I’d love to take Leia, of course. But there’s something else.”   


“What’s that?”

“Heather—she’d really like to come visit after the game.”

—

The team beat Costa Rica 4-0. There were a few new faces, but it was mainly the same exact team I remembered. Kelley had seamlessly slipped into my position at right back, and Becky, JJ, and Kling played well as they always do. It felt weird, seeing all of my teammates dressed to play with all of their little normalcies while I sat in the stands in jeans and a nice shirt. Becky’s hair was pulled back into a neat fishtail, blue pre-wrap on her head. Alex’s hair was braided down the middle, and she had her pink pre-wrap. Tobin’s socks were low, and Sydney had her long hair in its signature braid in her first cap since giving birth to her adorable son over a year ago. 

But I wasn’t wearing my bun, or my headband. I didn’t have socks pulled up beyond my knees, or my bright yellow cleats. And honestly, it didn’t feel right. It made me feel sick. 

Leia was dressed in a miniature keeper jersey that Alex was able to get me through U.S. Soccer at the very last minute. She dropped it off on my desk one day after Orlando finished their practice with a smile. “I’m happy you’re going Kriegs.” The jersey was the same blue one that Hope was wearing, and Leia excitingly told me that it was perfect because sometimes the Pride keepers wore the same color. I had “HARRIS” printed on the back with the number “1”, and told her that if she kept working hard, maybe she could wear the same jersey on the pitch one day.

Heather played well, and I was glad that after the Olympics, Jill had finally realized her value both as a veteran and a leader. Christie had played well into her thirties, and I always wondered why Jill didn’t think Heather could do the same. As we wandered down on the field after the final whistle blew, a Fox reporter spotted me before I had the chance to say hi to anyone. “Do you mind if we do a little interview, real quick?” the reporter said as he waved cameras over to where I was standing. I was overwhelmed, and quickly agreed before I even had the chance to think. I almost immediately regretted it.

“Leia why don’t you sit here. This will only be a few minutes.” Leia smiled before finding a seat a few rows up from where I was sat, looking on with awe in her eyes. She never really knew me as a soccer star—I was just Ali to her, her coach and friend. 

“First of all, congratulations on everything you accomplished the last two summers,” the reporter started, “I know the Olympics wasn’t exactly the result you wanted, but you all as a team accomplished so much for women’s football.” It wasn’t exactly a question, but it still beckoned for a response, which kind of annoyed me. 

“Yes, thank you so much. Last summer was devastating, of course, but I think we did a really great job of sticking together as a team in the midst of controversy with USSF. I think we accomplished a lot, but we still have a long way to go in terms of equal pay and treatment. While it’s nice that we don’t have to play on turf anymore, it’s not enough.” The camera was inching closer and closer to my face, and I wanted nothing more than to push it away. 

“So how did the decision to retire come about? I know that must have been a long and thought out decision.”  _ Was it though? _

“Yeah, um, I hit concussion number three right before the Olympics during NWSL season, and they become increasingly dangerous as you take more hits. Plus, my knee hasn’t been in the best shape of it’s life, so it just felt right. I had a great 9 years playing on and off for this team, and it’s time for some new blood to come in. It was time for a new adventure for me, and I’m so happy to see the team thriving in this down time before the next major tournament.”

“It must be more difficult retiring especially knowing that you caused the game-tying goal for Brazil in the final. Can you tell me more about how that felt?”

_ Could I tell him more about how that felt. Was he fucking kidding me.  _ It felt like my world was crashing around me, it felt like everything I had worked for after the ACL tear was for nothing. It felt like my team would have been better off without me there. It felt like a crushing weight was put around my neck, trying to strangle me as the silver medal was looped around my head. It felt like I was on fire as Becky hugged me in the locker room, trying to convince me that the loss wasn’t my fault, that we wouldn’t have even made it to the finals to begin with if it weren’t for me. I felt dumb as Heif told me that I was to be excused from any media gatherings following the tournament, for my own sake. I felt insane as I got back home and continued to go to the field each night just to clear balls over the post just to prove to myself that I was indeed capable of doing it. 

I only realized that I had been sitting silent for awhile when Leia carefully got up from her seat and whispered “Are you alright Ali?” just out of view of the camera. “I’m sorry,” I said as I got up from my seat and wiped a stray tear that was falling from my eye. I grabbed Leia’s hand and made my way down to the field, leaving a dumbfounded look on the reporter’s face. 

Heather saw me first, and immediately pulled me aside as the team gushed over Leia. Leia was starstruck, and the entire team found it completely endearing as she went to each one of them, telling them her favorite plays that each individual had made during the Olympics. Alex had already met Leia back in Orlando from the long days I worked in the office, so she led her around, introducing her to everyone until her jersey was covered in autographs. 

“Are you alright? What happened? I know this is a lot—”

“A fucking reporter asked me how I feel about that fucking own goal.”

“Oh, Al.” Heather pulled me tight as she searched the stands looking for the reporter. Years later she would tell me that she was ready to “go Jersey on his ass” in that moment.

“Let’s talk about this later, why don’t we catch up with Leia? God, she looks just like Ashlyn.”

—

We got back to my apartment that night around midnight, Leia groggily walking out of the car and insisting she wasn’t tired as she tried her best to keep her eyes open. Heather followed close behind me, and made small talk with Leia. Heather was obsessed with her—I had spent so much time with Leia that I forgot how smart and witty she was for a seven year old. Other people found her even more endearing than Ashlyn and I did, if that was even possible. 

As soon as we entered, Ashlyn immediately jumped off the couch and ran into Heather’s arms. I could see tears in her eyes as she embraced the shorter brunette. She smiled and laughed as she pulled back and took a good look at Heather. “You don’t look a day older,” she said, her eyes beaming. 

“Neither do you,” Heather said, pulling her back in for another hug. “God I missed you girl, where have you been?”

Ashlyn just laughed in response. “Oh, I don’t know.”

Leia groggily turned to Ashlyn to show her the jersey she was wearing before giving her a hug and kiss and announcing that she was going to bed. 

“She’s a carbon copy of you, Ash,” Heather said, later at the kitchen table. “She’s adorable.”  

“She’s alright,” Ashlyn replied with a proud smile on her face, “she keeps me going.”

Later, after Heather had finally gotten settled on the couch, I kissed Ashlyn goodnight and headed for my room. I was expecting her to go to her and Leia’s room, but she followed me into mine instead. “Are you okay?” she asked once the door was closed.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” I had no idea why she was concerned. 

“Nothing. That interview earlier, was just a little bit—odd.” 

Then I remembered. And then I lost it. I broke down in her arms, and I doubt she realized what hit her. “I’m sorry Al, I didn’t mean to bring it up. I’m sorry. Shh.” She rocked me back and forth as my tears hit her shirt. “Do you want to talk about it?” I took a deep breath before nodding my head. 

“Did you watch the final last summer? Or did you hear about it?” Ashlyn shaked her head. “I scored an own-goal.” I said it quietly, almost afraid of saying the words out loud. 

Ashlyn was quiet, trying to let the words settle before formulating a response. “Okay, and how did that make you feel?” She sounded like a therapist. 

“Like shit. We had so much riding on that game. No team had ever won the World Cup and an Olympics back to back. We were favored to win. Everyone was behind us, and we were playing so well. And I made one stupid mistake. One. And then it was over. I never got my Olympic gold, and we didn’t write history like we were supposed to. And that was on me.” I waited for Ashlyn to make some soppy remark about how it wasn’t my fault, that the people that took PK’s should have made their shots, or maybe that if our keeper was more attentive the own goal wouldn’t have happened. All pretty shitty excuses and what-ifs if you ask me. 

But she didn’t. She knew better. 

She did exactly what I wanted her to do, and that was to stay silent and kiss me until I forgot why I was ever upset in the first place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so slow with updates! This story has awhile to go, hopefully I can get updates rolling out now that life has calmed down again. Comments are appreciated! :) (Also pls check out my other fic "Elsewhere" k thanks http://archiveofourown.org/works/6965560/chapters/15880123 )


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